


Season Sex Nerds

by Crux01



Category: Homeland
Genre: Fluff and Humor, Fun, Gen, Not to be taken seriously, Please don't sue....I have no money
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-14
Updated: 2017-02-10
Packaged: 2018-07-23 23:01:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 23,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7483338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crux01/pseuds/Crux01
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Behind the camera scoops....what is really going on?!  POSSIBLE SPOILERS</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. First Day Nerds

AG - Alex Gansa  
LLG - Lesli Linka Glatter  
CD - Claire Danes  
MD - Mandy Patinkin  
RF - Rupert Friend  
FMA -F Murray Abraham

 

August 1 2016 In a rehearsal studio somehow in downtown New York City  
AG, LLG, CD, MD, FMA sit on uncomfortable wooden chairs in a circle.

AG - So, thank you for coming everybody. Could we just settle down. Welcome to this the first read through of Season 6. If you recall last season's read through took a great deal of time.....

LLG - About seven months.

AG - Yes, thank you Lesli! Which meant we had to rush filming and get the finale in the can in only 75 minutes straight or we would have all missed our flights home. I know we have more time this year, and we are on home turf so to speak. You can thank me for that later, but let's get started as we mean to go on.

CD - But we can't start yet.

AG - Why?

CD - Rupes isn't here.

LLG - Rupes is always late. He hasn't got an alarm clock, you know.

CD - I know which is why we should wait for him. He always turns up eventually.

LLG - Remember that year he turned up with no hair!

CD - Yes I do. Said he was in a movie or something, bald assassin? I don't think so! I never heard of it. Did you?

LLG (Shakes head) - Nope.

CD (Makes a slashing motion across her throat. Stage whispers) - Typecast.

FMA - And have you had any decent scripts during the hiatus, Claire, my dear?

CD (Sniffs) - One or two, nothing really attracted me though.

FMA - Too many bipolar Secret agents in there?

CD - A few, although I did manage an off Boardway play.

AG - Now people we are getting sidetracked already. We need to.....

CD - You said he wasn't dead!

AG - Who?

CD - Quinn, of course. That's why Rupes isn't here, isn't it? Oh for fuck sake everybody is going to go on about Carrie's killer vagina again!

AG - He's not dead.

CD - Then why isn't he here?

AG - Well, to be honest, he doesn't have.....

(Voice drowned out by banging and crashing in corridor outside.)

RF - (Voice coming from corridor.) - Thank you so much. I really don't want to be a pain. Thank you, you are most gracious.

(Door flung open. RF dressed in famous black shirt with red roses and in a wheelchair zips into the room followed by red faced janitor.)

CD - Rupert, what the fuck!?

LLG - What did you do? It was that motorcycle again wasn't it? I told you that was a death trap. I thought you sold it. You told me you sold it in a charity auction.

AG - Rupert, what are you......

FMA - My dear chap, are you OK? Nice shirt by the way.

MP - Snores

RF (Beaming smile, stands up out of the wheelchair. Does a spin) - It's OK! I'm just method acting. If it's good enough for Daniel Day then it's good enough for me!

Janitor (Face even redder) - What the fuck! You made me carry you up the stairs and you can goddamn walk?

RF - We all have to suffer for our art!

(Janitor raises fist as if to strike him but thinks better of it and storms out.)

AG - Rupert, what are you doing here? I told you we don't need you for the first few.......

LLG - Months?

AG - Well I wouldn't have said that long but being comatose you have no words to say, so a read through is a bit of a waste of time.

RF - Well, I thought I could do a few groans in the appropriate places. You did say my auditory performance was really good in 5.11. Award winning, if I recall your exact words. And I do noises really well, could maybe do the beep of the life support.

CD - You're not on life support. Didn't you read the script?

RF - I didn't get one.

AG - No, we didn't think you needed one. 

RF - I can keep a secret.

AG - Yes of course you can, anyway what are you doing in that wheelchair?

RF - Well I thought, when I eventually wake up I'll have to use one. And Quinn is so fucking badass I thought he'd pull a few wheelies. Look what I've been practising.

(RF pulls wheelchair onto back two wheels and pirouettes. Goes on to front two wheels, spins but stutters and falls forward on to his face with a loud bang.)

AG - Oh for fuck sake!

CD and LLG (Together) - Rupert! (Both rush to help him up. AG looks frustrated. FMA shakes his head. MP snores)

RF - (Muffled) Damn it needs more work. (Lifts his hand to his throbbing nose. Looks at it) Is that my .....

CD - Grab him quick, you know he faints at the sight of.......

(RF faints)

CD - .....blood.

LLG - I'll get a towel or something. (Dashes out).

FMA - Is this going to take long, only I have an audition at three o'clock.

AG - We need to get started. Rupert are you OK?

RF (Claire pats him on the head. He comes round. Pale. Dabbing nose gingerly with towel LLG found from somewhere.) I'll survive.

AG - Good. 

LLG - Oh Rupert, you're a real trooper.

CD - He is. Remember all that suffering last season? You were like a torture magnet, Rupes. So brave!

AG - So if everybody could just sit down and concentrate on the script, we can get started.

CD - I read all this last night.

LLG - Good girl

CD - Thank you. When are they going to bang?

AG - Who?

CD - Carrie and Quinn of course.

AG (sighs) - Claire, I explained to you last season, it's a slow burn.

CD - Slow burn not fucking glacial freeze. We only have two scenes together in the whole season.

RF - Do we really? Or that's horrible, I really like working with you, Claire.

CD (Smiles) - Me too Rupes but you know I am fucking crazy to get my hands on your sweet ass!

LLG - We all are. for you, I mean.

FMA - I'll say.

CD - So how come in this new season I am literally fucking everything in trousers except bloody Peter Quinn?

AG - He's not in trousers, he's in pjs.

CD - For the whole season? That's going to go down like a bowl of cold sick with the fans.

RF - But I do get some wheelchair action don't I? I've been practising so hard.

AG - People! Can we just focus here. We need to get started.

CD - And have you thought about my wardrobe this season? I really can't do pant suits again. Did you see my beautiful dress at the Met Gala?

LLG - I saw it Claire. You looked really beautiful.

FMA - Here we go with the girl power mutual appreciation society.

AG - I agree, you did but it's not really practical for a CIA operative is it?

RF - So is she back in the CIA then?

AG - All in good time, Rupert.

RF - Don't you trust me or something?

CD (Stands up) I need a fag break. Coming?

LLG - Oh yes.

AG - For fuck sake can we just....

CD - After cigarettes.

(CD and LLG move towards the fire escape)

CD - You coming, Rupes?

RF - No, I'm trying to give them up. Lungs are a bit iffy since that sarin.

AG - (Shakes his head) It wasn't real, Rupert.

RF - It felt bloody real to me. Three days I had my face covered in cottage cheese, I haven't been able to eat any ever since! Did wonders for my skin though, who knew?

FMA - Looked real to me. I reckon you'd bag an Emmy there son, if they didn't pack all Showtime's punch behind Claire and fucking sleeping beauty over there!

MP - Snores

AG (Sits down in frustration) I guess we better get coffee.

 

Ten minutes later.

FMA - We are going to be done by three, aren't we? Only I....

CD - Yes you said. What's it for anyway?

FMA - Well, following the triumph that was my off Broadway Lear

LLG - So far off it was in Wisconsin! Not like yours, Claire!

FMA - I have been asked to audition for Romeo.

CD (Spits out her coffee all down RF's flowery shirt) - You! Aren't you a little old for that? Sorry Rupes.

FMA - I think you'll find ruggedly mature with generous and varied life experience, are the words you are looking for. 

RF - Shit! That was really quite hot and my shirt is saturated. I'm going to have to take it off now.

CD - Well fancy that.

(LLG and CD exchange meaningful looks. FMA looks interested too. AG puts his head in his hands. MP snores)

CD (Moves across to RF) - Here, Rupes, let me help.

(Everyone except AG stares open mouthed at RF's revealed torso.)

FMA - Holy shit, that's a lovely sight.

RF - I've been working out..... Philippine knife fighting, Krav Maga, you know, normal stuff.

CD - Mmmmmm, it is as I thought, Carrie needs to get her hands on Quinn, quickly.

LLG - I think, purely from an artistic point of view, Alex, no pjs. Let's just get a little..... erm bare...... with Quinn.

AG (Sighs) - Whatever, now can we just get on with the read through. Mandy you're first up. Mandy?

RF (gently digs sleeping MP in ribs) - You're on, man!

MP (wakes up startled) - My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die!

AG (Shakes his head). 

LLG - No not that one, Mandy. You're Saul Berenson, remember?

MP (Blearily looks around) Do I need to sing now?

CD - So have you found a President yet?

RF - Why is he missing?

CD - To play her in the new season, silly.

RF - Her?

CD - You really don't know anything about this season do you?

RF (Shakes head sadly).

AG - Well I'm still holding out.

LLG - No, Alex she won't do it.

AG - She might.

LLG - She is going to get elected and if she's not, what makes you think she will want to play the President? She's not an actress for gods sake.

AG - It'll sort of fulfil her ambition, one way or another.

CD - You want Hillary to play her? Fuck!

(Alarm goes off in CD's massive Hermes Birkin crocodile skin handbag. She roots around in it)

FMA (Chuckles and whispers to RF) Remember when we put two bricks in there and she carried them around for three days without noticing?

RF - And she only noticed then cos she dropped it on her foot.

FMA - Damn thing cost more than the budget of a small African country. Dancy is a fool!

CD (Plops thermometer into her mouth)

AG - Are we ready now? Good. Mandy?

MP - Snores

LLG - Maybe we should just skip that first scene, it's pretty obvious anyway. Let's move on to the hospital.

AG - Good idea.

RF (Looking over CD's shoulder at the script) Am I in that one?

LLG - Yes you are dear, but more as a presence than with an actual talking part.

RF - Any bleeping machines?

AG - No!

CD (Whips thermometer out of mouth, stands up.) - That's it I have to go. (Rustles in bag for phone).

AG - Go? But why?

CD - I'm ovulating! Hugh, is that you? It's time........I don't care if you're on the set of Fifty Shades. IT'S TIME!

RF (Snickers) You sound like Aimee.

CD - Are you trying for a baby too?

RF - No, she just can't get enough of me.

LLG (Raises eyebrows.) Understandable.

CD - So long guys! 

RF - Enjoy!

(CD leaves the room. At door turns back) Oh Alex, please I am Exec Producer too. Carrie and Quinn just a little bangywangy please.

AG (Nods tiredly) I'll see what I can do.

LLG - Right then. What shall we do now. Read through comatose Quinn? Shouldn't take too long.

RF - I can do that.

AG - Claire's right. We need to consider a rewrite. Read through is off until next week. 

LLG - What about the shooting schedule?

AG - It's OK. We've got plenty of time until January.

AG (Phone beeps. He answers.) - Hello Damien, how are you.........

(LLG and FMA exchange looks. RF gets his own phone out and looks at it. MP snores.)

AG - ......No I think I told you last night, Damien, and the previous conversations we've had recently..........No, Damo we.... erm.... don't need you this season. No not even that... No. (Hangs up.)

LLG (Mouths silently) Damo?!

RF - Hey, I've got an ask. It's from those lovely ladies at wthomeland. Jesus they are smart cookies!

AG and LLG together - No!

RF - But they're my loyal fans. I need to let them know, they've been worrying about Peter Quinn since last December.

FMA - Well at least that won't happen this year.

AG - I think you did quite enough damage with your Mike Tyson and Joyce Carol Oates tweets.

RF - But they were subtle.

LLG - About as subtle as those bricks you put in Claire's hand bag.

AG (Stands up, hand outstretched) - Give the phone to me, Rupert.

RF - Just one tweet......

AG - No (Grabs phone).

RF - You know they are calling it season sex?

AG - Good Lord, who are?

RF - The fans. The people we make the programme for. Remember them?

LLG - He's got a point, Alex.

AG - No, he has no point at all except as a supporting actor.

LLG - Hear him out, at least.

AG (Nods impatiently) - All right but make it quick.

RF - See, I thought instead of having Carrie's killer cunt we could have Carrie's therapeutic twat. 

(AG and LLG exchange glances)

LG (Mouths) Twat?

AG (Shrugs despondently).

RF - They have sex and suddenly he can walk. She saves him from the wheelchair. She changes his life; he offers to teach her the tricks of the grifter trade. They set off on a road trip, pursued by conned newspaper mogul Bill, and are joined by Checco, a 10-year-old Mexican boy. I've already written it.

LLG - This sounds vaguely familiar.

AG - Stop, just stop. I let you write one goddamn letter and now you think you're fucking Alex Carey? 

RF - I was just.....

AG - No. Enough. I have to get back to the writers room. At least they get things done there. And get out of that fucking wheelchair! It's not going to happen. As of now you are comatose for the whole fucking season. (Storms out).

FMA - Well, that went well.

LLG - Better than the first read through last year.

FMA - I thought so too.

RF - But...

LLG - Don't worry Rupes, you know how it goes, Alex will calm down. Besides I'm directing episodes 3 and 4 and Claire and I have a bet.

RF - A bet?

LLG - She said 6.7 and I said 6.3 for Quarrie sex. And as I'm directing it, well there's always a change from script to film isn't there?

RF - And a wheelchair?

LLG - Maybe even that. But you mustn't tell anyone not yet. Doesn't do to ruin the magic. You can keep a secret if you really try, can't you?

RF - I'll try. Do you think we’ll be ready to shoot soon?

LLG - Of course. We always deliver. Alex will pull us through.

RF - And he did negotiate this extra time.

FMA - Don’t fool yourself, kid, that wasn’t for our benefit.

RF - It wasn’t?

LLG – It really hurt him, not been nominated for an Emmy but the real cruncher? Grinch Gansa steals Christmas, he couldn’t live with that!

FMA - So now he won’t have to, he’s gonna ruin Easter instead and we have time for tea and donuts!

LLG - We always have time for that, darling! Let's go.

RF - Oh wait, I better put my shirt back on.

LLG and FMA (Together) Oh, must you?

(LLG, FMA and RF leave arm in arm.)

MP (Snores with only an empty wheelchair for company)

 

The end


	2. First Rewrite Nerds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to all for your witty, crazy conversations over recent weeks that have given me the ideas for this...keep em coming....

AG - Alex Gansa  
LLG - Lesli Linka Glatter  
CD - Claire Danes  
MP - Mandy Patinkin  
RF - Rupert Friend  
FMA -F Murray Abraham

 

 

August 8 2016 In a rehearsal studio somewhere in downtown New York City

Everyone sits on uncomfortable wooden chairs in a circle, an oppressive atmosphere clouds the stuffy room.

 

CD - Hey, Rupes, you made it on time.

RP - Yeah. Got a new alarm clock. Wedding present.

LLG - No wheelchair, today? 

RF - Nope. Mr Gansa was pretty clear, if I turned up with one I'd need it to get around for the rest of my natural life!

AG - Good morning all! Thank you all for coming for this the second read through of the new script. We made some really good progress last time I'm sure you agree and you'll see I have incorporated some of your suggested changes into the new script. I trust you all got a copy.

LLG - Except Rupert

RF - No, it's OK. I 'borrowed' Mandy's just now while he was sleeping. I'm a whizz at speed reading so I know what's going on.

AG - We need to get started with the read through, then.

FMA - Before we start I have a few issues with the rewrites.

CD - Me too.

RF - And me.

MP - (Snores loudly).

AG - I don't want to get bogged down right now. Let's just....

CD - No, we need to sort stuff out right now. I mean Otto? Really?

AG - It was a legitimate proposal that needs to be addressed. It's in there for a reason. Trust me, Claire.

CD - No, just no. I know Carrie and she wouldn't go anywhere near that creepy jerk. His proposal was just off.

AG - Plenty of people can see the link.... the attraction.

LLG - Where is Sebastian anyway?

AG - He couldn't make it, he's filming in Germany right now.

CD - Thank the Lord for small mercies.

LLG - I thought you liked him.

CD - As a Saul substitute maybe but as my love interest? (Scoffs!)

RF - I thought I was your love interest.

AG - Remember kids, slow burn.

CD - So did I, Rupes, but Alex seems to think differently. By the way what's with the pirate bandana?

FMA - Have you been doing more of those pirate movies?

RF - What pirate movies?

FMA - Those ones with Johnny Depp and that pretty young English girl. You were really good in them.

LLG - (Makes shushing motion with hands.) I think you got the wrong man, F. So what is with the bandana then, Rupes?

RF - (Looks upset but brightens quickly). Got a new hair game but got to keep it under wraps; they are everywhere!

CD - Who?

RF - Paparazzi, photo takers, before you know it you're all over the Internet. Those foxy ladies from wthomeland are into everything, all the time. I have to stay on my toes, I swear they know the colour of my underwear before I even put it on. And I'm trying to keep this one secret until we air.

AG - (Mutters to himself) At last Friend realises the dangers of pandering to his fans. About goddamn time!

CD - Until January? Aren't you being both just a little paranoid and optimistic?

RF - Too long to keep it under wraps, you think?

CD - I think so. You've not gone bald again have you?

RF - Can't say!

AG - Right, lets get back to the read through.

FMA - I can't read this until I have sorted out my issues. I am an actor not a waiter!

AG - I'm sorry I don't understand.

FMA - I have an Oscar in my bathroom you know, not four Michelin stars.

AG - (Looks blankly across to LLG) What is he talking about?

LLG - (Shrugs) What is the problem, F?

FMA - I signed up to be Dar Adal, the Dar Adal, Head of Black Ops, mysterious, brutal, on the edge. All that seems to happen now is that I turn up with donuts or some other food like a goddamn waiter! The only excitement I bring is a fucking sugar rush!

CD - Well, look on the bright side, if the work dries up, you have some experience, enough to get a job as a flight attendant.

RF - Or on a cruise ship, they always need waiters.

FMA - You are not helping!

AG - OK. (Sighs) Point taken. We can adjust that for you.

FMA - I would be eternally grateful and you will find the critics will agree. I feel like I have so much more to give.

CD - And Otto?

AG - Well I was already reconsidering that after certain plot points appear to have been leaked. (Throws a knowing glance towards RF who shakes his head ruefully). The overall reception for an Otto/Carrie romance was not exactly as I expected.

LLG - Most sane people hated the idea.

AG - So we were going to adjust his character from a Don Juan to more of a walking cheque book.

CD - Good!

AG - So can we start the read through.

RF - (Clears throat) I have a couple of problems.

AG - Yes, we know. You should be pleased you're not comatosed for the whole goddamn season.

RF - But no wheelchair after all my practising?

LLG - After your dramatics last time, Rupert dear, we thought it safer for all to cut out the wheels. Your pretty face doesn't need that peril. Thank God you left it at home today. You should really take it back to the clinic you stole it from.

RF - I didn't steal it, just borrowed it. But after all he went through at the end of season five, is it realistic to think Quinn would be up and about just six months later?

FMA - Realistic? When has this show ever been realistic? We killed the Vice President via death by pacemaker and telephone.

CD - Remember the Banana Joe's screensaver?

MP - (Snores)

FMA - Mandy had a sexual relationship with a feisty woman half his age.

CD - Just not believable at all.

LLG - Realism only gets in the way of the action. We need more action!

AG - We do have a certain amount of artistic license here, the story trumps everything else.

MP - (Wakes up loudly) You are the fucking smartest and the dumbest person I've ever met! (Falls back to sleep.)

RF - OK, if you all think it's doable I can live with you guys' judgement but I'm really not sure about the hookers and drugs.

FMA - Meatier than donuts and waffles, lovey! Don't forget that Emmy that's waiting for you. This could be the season!

RF - No, I mean I'm a recently married man, I'm not sure what Aimee will think.

FMA - You're not under the thumb already are you?

AG - You have got that this is acting, haven't you Rupert? This isn't real?

RF - (Frowns) You know I'm a method actor Mr Gansa, I have to live my role fully.

LLG - Rupert, we love how you suffer for your art. I'm sure we'll be able to sort this out. Claire and I will have a woman to woman talk with Aimee. Meanwhile we'll ask the writers to tone it down a little; instead of hookers and drugs, how about being addicted to Snickers bars and snuff?

RF - That might work. Thanks.

AG - Great now, can we get on?

CD - Coffee break now I'm afraid. Union rules. I need a cigarette. Coming Lesli?

LLG - Of course. Any success last week?

CD - I don't think so. I could tell last time when I caught straight away. Not feeling it now.

LLG - Oh well. I guess it's fun trying!

AG, FMA and RF - (Share confused looks)

 

Ten minutes later.....

AG - Right people, time is passing and we need to get on.

CD - I don't get it.

AG - What?

CD - If you meant for Quinn to survive why did you fuck him up so badly at the end of the last season? We broke so many hearts. The fandom went into meltdown.

RF - It was really fulfilling to play such a dynamic part. My contract negotiations really had nothing to do with it at all.

FMA - Dynamic! Lying flat on your back, giggling every time Claire and I tried to be serious! That goddamn letter scene took about a hundred takes. Professionalism out the window; but it was fun. We all know the real reason why: Gansa hates Christmas!

AG - (Looking really hurt) Keep saying that and a career as a flight attendant may be the only viable option for you to make a living! It's just not true. I love children.

LLG - Talking of which have you cast Franny yet?

AG - Well I've been meaning to talk to Claire about it.

CD - Me? I know you made me younger in that flashback but that is ridiculous!

AG - I was wondering if, given the fact we can't find a suitable girl actor, and we need somebody who is happy and relaxed around you, whether you'd consider......

FMA - Spit it out man.

AG - Having your son, Cyrus, play Franny.

CD - (Taking a gulp of coffee at the time spits it out all over RF) 

AG - We have got plenty of red wigs.

LLG - Yes, it's something of a fetish with you isn't it, Alex?

AG - (Phone rings) Christ it's Lewis again. (Stands up and moves away). I have to take this.

RF - Shit, that coffee is hot and its soaked my shirt. I'm going to have to take it off now.

LLG and CD - (Exchange meaningful looks.)

LLG - Oh no, it's all over your pants too.

RF - Christ I'm going to have to take them off too.

CD - Oh dear, Rupes. I am so sorry.

RF - (Takes off his shirt and pants.)

LLG - (Staring at RF) Funny, suddenly things don't seem so bad any more. Everything is right with the world.

FMA - How true.

CD - Last time I saw such a beautiful sight was after we finished A False Glimmer, when you, me, Rupes and Nina played strip poker in your trailer. Remember?

LLG - Remember? How could I forget? What a great night!

RF - I still think you were all cheating. I ended up butt naked and you three didn't take off a stitch.

FMA - Wish I'd seen it!

CD - American rules, Rupes!

AG - (Returns, shaking his head) That man is incorrigible, he already has another hit show. He needs to let mine go. Rupert! Why haven't you got any clothes on?

LLG - (Fanning herself with her script). It got kinda hot in here.

FMA - Yeah, really hot.

CD - (Pulls her eyes from RF) You want my son to play my daughter?

AG - Would it be a problem?

CD - (Shrugs) I guess that's show business!

AG - Great. Now the read through people! We need to focus!

LLG - Wait, we have to rewrite all Otto, all Dar Adal and all Quinn.

CD - And don't forget Carrie's characterisation. She needs to get back to kickass. I am sick of her being a mom with her hair in a bun, it is just downright boring! I need some chin wobbling action before my muscles lose definition and strength.

LLG - OK, so we need to rewrite Carrie, Quinn, Dar and Otto, which only really leaves Saul.

MP - (Snores loudly)

CD - And what about Quarrie?

AG - Excuse me, who?

CD - Quarrie! Carrie and Quinn. They are going to bang, aren't they?

RF - I love that we will have more scenes together, Claire. Like I'm living on your couch, in your flat. How cool is that?

CD - Apartment, Rupes.

RF - Sorry?

CD - In New York we don't have flats, we all have apartments.  
RF - Got it.

CD - And no more pant suits, please!

MP - (Snores loudly again.)

LLG - Actually come to think of it, do we need Saul at all. I mean really?

AG - (Gasps in astonishment) Saul is the lifeblood of the show. He brings the wisdom, the compassion, the caring, the energy to everything that we do!

MP - (Opens one eye, sees everyone regarding him.) Fuck you all! (Lurches up towards the door) I need a fucking drink! This rehearsal is just too fucking tiring! (Leaves and bangs the door dramatically).

AG - On the other hand, you may have a point, Lesli. A full rewrite is required! I have to get back to the writers room quick. Make way! Artist at work! (Rushes out).

FMA - Well, that went well.

LLG - Better than the second read through last year.

FMA - I thought so too. We are getting pretty good at this.

RF - But we haven't got any further. Nobody actually read anything.

LLG - Don't worry darling, plenty of time for that.

RF - And Mr Gansa still thinks I'm spilling script secrets, when I'm not. Well I haven't since I promised you. I can keep a secret.

LLG - Oh don't worry about him, Rupes. It's all an act. He knows who the leak is really.

RF - He does?

FMA - We all do.

RF - You do, then who is it?

CD - Who needs the publicity more than any of us?

RF - Surely not him. Mr Gansa?

CD - Got it in one.

RF - But why?

LLG - Think about it. Writers do not write shows anymore, neither do show runners. TV is made by public demand, the fans decide what's going to happen. Who do you think saved Peter Quinn at the end of season 5, really? You should be proud, your fans saved you.

RF - Bloody hell, did they really? I need to tweet them to thank them.

LLG - Oh yes indeed they did. And they will get you that Emmy you deserve. But remember no tweets.

RF - Wow. They are really great, you know.

CD - The best. Far better than the Showtime PR department.

FMA - Well, now that's over, we still have time for tea and donuts!

LLG - We always have time for that, dear! Let's go.

RF - Oh wait, I better put my clothes back on.

LLG, CD and FMA (Together) Oh, must you?

LLG - Until next read through.....

(LLG, CD, FMA and RF leave arm in arm.)


	3. Final Rehearsal Nerds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Following all those juicy revelations at last night's TCA, I can reveal to you what is really happening....

AG - Alex Gansa  
LLG - Lesli Linka Glatter  
CD - Claire Danes  
MP - Mandy Patinkin  
RF - Rupert Friend  
FMA - F Murray Abraham  
EM - Elizabeth Marvel  
HH - Hill Harper  
PS - Patrick Sabongui

 

August 15 2016 In a rehearsal studio somewhere in downtown New York City

Everyone sits on uncomfortable wooden chairs in a circle, excited buzz in the air of the stuffy room.

 

AG - OK people. Settle down. Can I have your attention please? That's enough. We really need to get on. Thank you. Well, as you are all aware by now, shooting starts tomorrow, so I wanted to get together and do just a final read through to check on everything.

FMA - Final? We haven't even finished one yet!

AG - On the contrary F we have done some amazing work over the last couple of weeks, that is really now coming to fruition. Lesli, how's the prep gone?

LLG - Perfect. We have scouted everywhere. NYC looks stunning. Stage is almost complete. We are ready to roll. This is gonna be so good. How was LA?

AG - Good. I think we accomplished what we set out to do, we were very clever; gave away just enough to entice and mystify our audience without actually saying anything. Claire was awesome and Mandy was magnificent, of course.

MP - (Bows) I do my best, Alex.

AG - You are a master, Mandy.

FMA (whispers to RF) Oh Christ, he's taken his little blue pills and woken up. There's only one thing more obnoxious than Mandy sleeping through a rehearsal and that's Mandy being awake through one.

MP - I think it's important for the drama of the show to reignite the fire that is Saul Berenson. In a way he represents all that is good about the American male, the American dream. We should never forget that.

AG - Exactly.

MP - I hope you will reconsider my offer to sing in this season, Alex?

AG - Duly noted Mandy. We'll see if we can fit it in, although time is short, as ever.

RF - Did you enjoy it, Claire? You look pretty tired. 

CD - To be honest, it was a long flight and kinda boring. Too many old white men!

RF - I wish I could have come.

AG - I gave you a choice, Rupes. You made your decision.

LLG - What choice was that?

RF - Mr Gansa said I could either go to the TCAs or get the new season script but not both.

AG - Security issues. There seem to have been a lot of unfortunate leaks already.

LLG - I'm sure that's nothing to do with Rupert.

CD - Me too.

RF - (Shrugs bravely) It doesn't matter. I did something else equally important with my time.

AG - What did you do?

RF - Dance class.

AG - Pardon me?

RF - I read the script, saw Quinn is dancing. I'm not too hot on the old soft shoe shuffle, that dance scene in Young Victoria, with Em, took us one hundred and seventy three takes. I had new boots on and my feet were killing me and I just couldn't get it right.

LLG - But you did in the end. That scene is so good.

CD - Fucking hot!

FMA - Indeed.

RF - Thank you. But I don't want it to happen again, so I thought I better up my game.

LLG - Rupes you are such a pro.

CD - Isn't he?

AG - No, no, it's not that important.

RF - What's not?

AG - That scene. You are not fucking John Travolta and this isn't goddamn Saturday Night Fever!

LLG - Showing your age a bit there, Alex.

FMA - One of my favourites, a classic! Bet Rupes would rock the white suit.

AG - It's not really dancing.....

CD - How did the class go, Rupes?

AG - ......more of a drunken stumble.

RF - Pretty good.

AG - I wrote it as a punishment......

CD - Wanna show us?

FMA - Is that such a good idea? Remember the wheelchair performance and how that turned out.

AG - No, it's not a good idea and is, in fact, totally superfluous!

RF - A punishment? But I haven't leaked anything!

CD - I love a bit of dirty dancing.

LLG - Me too.

AG - People can we focus here please? I have Elizabeth, Hill and Patrick coming along later, so we need to get started.

CD - (Winks at RF. Whispers) Save it for coffee break.

MP - (Clears his throat) Saul also reminds people to keep their humanity up to the highest degree possible.

FMA - Yes, it's very humane gunning people down in the woods in the middle of the night with no trial. Great fucking new paradigm that!

LLG - Is Sebastian coming?

AG - No, he's still filming to Germany.

CD - Good. I wish you'd stop peddling that marriage of convenience crap, it makes my skin crawl. You wouldn't even think about such bullshit for a male protagonist.

AG - Just building the suspense in our slow burn, darling. So you know Howard Gordon won't be around this season either. He's got a gig in Spain.

FMA - Ouch...trouble in paradise?

AG - Not at all. And if anyone needs to contact me, I've got a new phone number. I'll send it to you all.

LLG - Damien again?

AG - He just doesn't stop.

RF - They taught him to be pushy like that at Eton, you know. I am so glad I went to a comprehensive school.

(AG, LLG and CD exchange puzzled looks.)

MP - Working on Homeland ignites my life at almost every level.

AG - I am so glad.

FMA - Bullshit. Utter bullshit. Try taking the sleeping pills, Patinkin! Your work is so much more relevant when you're asleep.

LLG - Easy now, F, play nice!

CD - So Alex, are you going to announce what we agreed on the plane?

AG - I don't recall that.

CD - Sure you do. You said I could write the first sex scene. You do remember don't you?

AG - (Snorts) Oh that. I thought that was just idle plane talk.

FMA - Typical. (whispers to RF) Saw that one coming a mile off, she's been all bent out of shape since you got to write the letter.

RF - Really? I didn't know. She could have done it.

CD - Well I haven't forgotten. (Pouts) You are not going to back out on me now are you?

AG - Of course not, Claire, I am sure it will be a masterpiece.

LLG - And I get to direct it. It is the most important scene in the whole series after all. Episode three remember!

CD - It's even worth losing our bet for. Ooooooh it is going to be so good!

RF - It's great that we have more scenes together now, Claire. I think I'm gonna like staying on your couch.

CD - Me too.

RF - I'm a bit confused though. I thought Carrie was too busy saving the world to have a relationship.

CD - Trolling the fans. You really don't get this PR crap, do you? There's always time for a lot of Quarrie!

AG - What?

RF - And Otto and now a possible new love interest?

CD - Don't worry Rupes it's all Gansa bullshit! 

AG - What?

LLG - Is Aimee OK with the strippers now, Rupes?

RF - Yes, I think so. I don't know what you said to her but it sure put her mind at rest.

(LLG and CD exchange knowing looks)

LLG - Just a little sisterly support!

AG - Right now. Let's get on.

CD - Sorry, Alex.

AG - What?

CD - Coffee break.....Union rules!

AG - Oh for god sake. Can't we just bend the rules a little?

CD - Nope. Coffee breaks are there for a purpose. Actors act on caffeine, don't we guys!

FMA - Sure do.

RF - Yes. I'll get it!

CD - No way. Alex, be a dear and get the order. Rupes has to stay here and show us his moves.

MP - Yes. I need a drink to take another pill.

FMA - It won't do any good, you'll still be you!

 

Ten minutes later.

RP and CD up against the wall, pressed against each other in erotic clinch. LLG giving direction, firmly thrusting RP's groin into CD's nether regions. FMA gazing on, eyes sheened and licking his lips.

AG - I thought he was showing you his dance moves.

LLG - We've progressed.

CD - (Muffled) To the dirtiest dancing.

AG - I thought that was episode 3?

CD - (More muffled) Practise makes perfect.

LLG - Thrust harder Rupes, against the wall.

RF - Like this?

CD - Oh.

FMA - Oh.

LLG - Oh.

FMA - My, all that grinding and hip action. I think I better sit down.

MP - (Taking his coffee from AG) I really must protest, Alex. Homeland is a prodigious top end television show. We really should not stoop to this level. I have my Emmy to think about. I was a bit jaw dropped when I read the plot this season, it just gets more and more extraordinary. We don't want to dilute the brilliance with this disgusting grunting and groaning. Saul is the important one.

FMA - Oh shut up and enjoy, you stupid self centred oaf. This is art!

MP - What did you call me?

FMA - You heard.

MP - (Throws himself at FMA. Coffee goes flying all over RF)

RF - Shit, that's hot. 

FMA - He's not wrong. 

RF - Lucky I protected you Claire, with my body.

CD - Lucky indeed.

RF - I think I need to extricate myself. My clothes are soaked.

CD - Why don't you remove them and hurry back?

LLG - What a good idea.

AG - Please people, can we just calm down. Let's all sit down and go through the script. 

(Everyone moves back to the chairs except RF who peels off his sodden clothes. Gets down to his boxers. LLG, FMA and CD wait expectantly.)

AG - That's far enough Rupert!

LLG - Spoil sport!

FMA - I've got an offer to direct and star in La Cage aux Folles off Broadway next summer, Rupes. I would be over the moon if you would consider doing it with me, that gorgeous performance was the best audition I've seen. Jesus, it's hot in here!

CD - Ask him how far off Broadway, Rupes.

AG - So let's get started.

MP - I like Saul better than Mandy.

FMA - You're a fucking idiot. Nobody likes Saul and nobody likes you!

MP - (Lurches up in a fury) What did you say?! How much acting do you have to do to play a fucking barnacle anyway?

FMA - What do you know about fucking acting? You just turn up, hide behind your beard and spout gibberish! Walked off any more successful TV show sets recently!?

AG - Now, now gentlemen.

MP - Fuck you!

FMA - No, fuck you!

CD - While they are having their artistic differences, let's practise again, Rupes.

LLG - Good idea.

EM, HH and AS enter the room and are somewhat stunned by what they see. MP and FMA are trying to throttle each other with AG trying desperately to prise them apart.

FMA - (Yells) Oscar!

MP - (Yells) Emmy!

FMA - (Yells) Golden Globe!

CD and (naked save for his boxers) RF are pressed together in a steamy embrace, nailing it to the wall under LLG's direction. She turns and smiles at them.

LLG - Hey newbies, welcome to our prestigious show, bet you're glad you signed up now? Oh and Patrick, just for future reference, (She points at CD and RF) that's chemistry!


	4. Bodega Nerds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dedicated to the bravest amongst us - Sensemisapplied!

LLG - Lesli Linka Glatter  
CD - Claire Danes  
RF - Rupert Friend  
FMA -F Murray Abraham  
MS - Maury Sterling  
Special guest appearance (and going for the Emmy) SMA - Sensemisapplied

 

Rehearsal Room somewhere in NYC, 22 August 2016

 

RF - So you think I've got this shuffle right? I'm finding it so hard to walk this way.

CD - Yeah, you can only really swagger can't you?

RF - Is it too much?

LLG - No, it's good Rupes. What is that smell?

FMA - Rupert

CD - Trash Prince indeed!

RF - Sorry guys, I haven't had a shower for three weeks and I can't remember the last time I washed my hair.

CD - Method acting again, huh?

LLG - You are a slave to your art Rupert but since this isn't smellivision and my nose is still complaining after spending all day in that antiseptic stinking hospital yesterday, could we at least use a little deodorant over here?

RF - Can't wait for the part when Carrie washes my hair.

CD - (Smiles) Me neither, although I like the bit after that better! Season sex!

Door opens

MS - Hey guys! Did you miss me?

CD - Maury, how's it going?

RF - (Reaches out to shake hands) Fucking Max!

MS - Fucking Quinn more like, what the hell have you gotten into when I'm not around to get your back?

RF - (Shrugs) It's been hard.

MS - You look rough. And the smell! Need somebody to wash your hair.

FMA - At least he's lost the bandana! Hope it was disposed of as clinical waste! You could fry eggs in your hair, be careful out on the street if the temperature gets too high!

LLG - Rupes, you are a trooper but it's only for the first two episodes, when I get ahold of you the whole sweet freshening up scene will happen, shower, haircut, not too much of a shave though, gotta keep those Quinn whiskers. I'm thinking like the bit in Rocky, you know music, montage etc. 

CD - Sounds good, but not as good as what comes after.

RF - Have you written it yet?

CD - Still working on it. We may need to run through a few of my ideas a little later. I need to try something, see if zip ties or handcuffs work better. And I need to find a different coffee table that one the props department found is way too nice.

RF - (Smiles brightly) I'm ready! It'll be nice to get a cuddle or two, Aimee won't come near me until I take shower.

CD - (Licks her lips lustfully) Gonna be more than cuddling, big boy!

LLG - Right people we need to move. Claire and F you're with me in Manhattan for the night shoot. Rupes and Maury the bodega scene.

MS - Fuck, we get Bedstuy?

RF - It's a hard life, Mau!

CD - If you hang out with depressed ex-assassins Max you get the rough. Should have stayed with me instead of developing this bromance with him.

RF - Jealous eh?

FMA - Where are Alex and Pantinkin today?

LLG - Arrrh, they'll be along soon.

CD - Why what gives?

LLG - (Looks sheepish). Mandy is being a touch difficult.

RF - Difficult?

LLG - It really doesn't matter. He'll get over it. I think it might be his new drugs.

CD - Get over what?

LLG - Well, if I tell you, you must promise not to tell anybody else ok?

CD - I promise.

FMA - So do I.

MS - And me.

LLG - Rupert? I don't want this on Twitter!

RF - I wouldn't honestly, cross my heart.

LLG - Well, Mandy is refusing to come on set. Alex is trying to talk him down.

FMA - Hope he's not promising him male lead again, that spot has well and truly been taken.

MS - By you?

FMA - No, by my protege; Rupes, of course!

CD - Oh my god, why is he in dispute?

LLG - A number of things.

CD - Like what?

LLG - Mentally he's not in a good place and F beating the shit out of him at the last read through didn't help.

FMA - He deserved it....saying an Emmy is higher than an Oscar! What godforsaken planet is he on?

LLG - And his trailer wasn't ready, so he assumed he wasn't going to get one. Flew off at the deep end.

RF - (Shakes head) Trailer envy is the worst! Mind you I couldn't find mine on the first day either. Somebody had put Peter on it! Who the fuck is he?

CD - These are legitimate concerns though, for a star like Mandy. Has he spoken to the Union?

LLG - We're hoping it won't come to that. (Sighs) Alex has spoken to the writers room and just in case, plan B is that Saul never made it out of Berlin.

CD - Shit.

RF - The Russians got him?

LLG - No, food poisoning from out of date sauerkraut and frankfurters.

FMA - Shit, I might not like the guy, but I wouldn't wish an ending like that on anybody. Still (rubs his hands together), that makes me top dog at the CIA, doesn't it?

CD - F, not so fast, let's have a little respect here. I hope Alex sorts it out. If anyone can he can but we might need to bring the Union in. Rupes don't forget our date later. We'll have to be quick cos Hugh is due back tonight. 

RF - How could I forget?

LLG - (Gives Claire a peg) For your nose, you'll need it later! Oh and Rupes, you are shooting outside, the public will be around. And maybe fans; I have had unofficial reports that the ladies for wthomeland are planning something, so you know the drill. No tweets and especially no photos. We have to keep Quinn under wraps for as long as possible.

MS - Listen to the boss.

LLG - You too, Maury. Alex wasn't too pleased when you tweeted your return in series six, last week.

MS - Me? I think it was you who let that particular cat out of the bag!

LLG - (Looks uncomfortable) Whatever! No photos, do I make myself clear?

MS - OK.

LLG - Rupes?

RF - But they are my fans, my people.

LLG - Rupes?

RF - All right.

 

************************************

 

Outside the bodega, Halsey Street, Brooklyn. RF and MS sitting on chairs during their break.

 

RF - God it's hot. Whose brilliant idea was it to film winter in NYC in August anyway?

MS - You are beginning to fester a bit. Smoothies are good though?

RF - Yeah, very good. I drink too much coffee normally, Claire and her insistence on union rules and coffee breaks. Strawberries are much better.

MS - She is a bit of a socialist isn't she? Who'd ever think it? So tell me again why holding your crotch is a symptom of having a stroke.

RF - It's really not important Mau, just actor stuff. See that hot chick over there. She's been looking at me for hours.

MS - Which one?

RF - Latino, strapless dress, keeps looking at her phone as if it's giving her instructions on how to behave.

MS - Oh I see her, she's very cute. Does it ever get tired?

RF - What?

MS - Beautiful women falling at your feet? Swooning, shaking, stuttering....all that. Even when you're dressed as a fucking hobo and stink to high heaven.

RF - I just wish they would come up and talk, see me as a person not just a sex machine on legs. (Slurps last of his smoothie loudly.)

MS - (Rolls his eyes) I wish. 

RF - Anyway how do you know she's not looking at you?

MS - Me? The little guy? The mute?

RF - Come on that was a joke!

MS - Oh, looks like she's got her courage up, here she comes. Remember what Lesli said no photos.

RF - Got it.

SMA - Hey, I really love your show.

RF - Thanks.

SMA - Can I get a picture, please?

RF - I'm not allowed, I'm sorry, I'm in costume. (Squeezes her shoulder warmly.)

SMA - Oh, you're in costume?

RF - Yeah, even though I look like a homeless person.

SMA - To be fair, you dress pretty weird in normal life. I thought it would be rude to assume this was a costume.

RF - I'm sorry, I really wish I could but Mr Gansa's orders.

SMA - No, that's OK. I'll just get a picture with Maury. How about it?

MS - I can't now, we're about to go back in. Come back later.

SMA - But I can't, I have to catch my train back to Philly.

MS - Oh, OK, go on then. (Poses for a selfie)

(SMA Leaves proudly typing into her phone.)

RF - Maury, what the fuck?

MS - What?

RF - No photos in costume, Lesli said. You made me look like a real dick.

MS - (Smug) Yeah, Hollywood Fucking Giant nil, Little Guy one. She was really nice. I'm gonna follow her on Twitter next.....she's my new bff! I think we should do this more often, maybe I'll even follow wthomeland, they seem like a great bunch of gals, putting the fun back into life!

RF - (Shakes head). Fun? I'm a fucking ex-assassin junkie whose had a life-threatening stroke and you're the little mute sent to save me. Where's the fun in that? Let's get back to work...... (Stops and wistfully watches SMA skip triumphantly away, still intent on her phone.) Maybe you got a point though........


	5. Nerds in Disguise

AG - Alex Gansa  
LLG - Lesli Linka Glatter  
CD - Claire Danes  
RF - Rupert Friend  
FMA -F Murray Abraham  
MS - Maury Sterling  
MP - Mandy Patinkin

 

Outside Riverfront Studios, NYC, 8 September 2016

 

LLG - Jesus it's hot. What a day for the air con to break.

CD - At least we can get out here and breath some slightly fresher air.

AG - Where the hell is he?

LLG - We don't know.

CD - After that escapade with the wthomeland spy, you did ban him from going out, Alex.

AG - Out yes, of course I did....Quinn's hair condition was supposed to be a goddamn secret not splashed all over the Internet! My goddamn cliffhanger went south!

LLG - You can hardly blame him for that. Maury said he turned the request for a selfie down.

CD - He did what you told him to do. Unlike some.

MS - She was a lovely lady. It was a pleasure to break the rules for her. Anybody want a smoothie?

AG - Yes, yes all right but that doesn't explain where he is now. I banned him from going out, not coming on set. It's the big scene today. 

CD - Yes the shower scene, written by yours truly! I can't wait! I get to wash his hair finally.

MS - The whole world can't wait for that!

AG - Where the hell is he?

LLG - Well you know he's late sometimes. 

CD - Anyway while we're waiting can we discuss my wardrobe please, Alex?

AG - Must we? For the shower scene I thought that was pretty evident. 

CD - No, I meant in general. You promised no more pant suits.

AG - Did I?

CD - And pant suits are all I've got.

AG - Yes but they're not the same are they?

CD - Well they are straight legged, I'll give you that but they are still......Alex are you listening to me?

AG - What? Errr no. There's a strange blonde woman over there trying to get my attention.

CD - Where?

AG - There, by Security.

LLG - Oh my god, she is quite unusual looking isn't she?

CD - Very uhh.... tall and striking. Look on the bright side, you've pulled there Alex. No more lonely hotel room if you play your cards right.

AG - Should I go over?

LLG - Security are there. I'm sure they won't let her hurt you.

CD - (Giggles)

FMA - (Walks up, chewing on a donut) What's happening?

CD - Alex has pulled.

FMA - Really?

LLG - Yes, that delightful lady over there, waving to him.

FMA - Good Lord, are they doing a remake of Mrs Doubtfire?

CD - She's not that bad, F.

FMA - I suppose beggars can't be choosers. Ask Patinkin if he's had her, she looks his type.

CD - F behave. We've only just managed to get Mandy out of his trailer following your last fight.

AG - OK wish me luck, I'm going in.

LLG - Oh, Alex, you are so brave. Good luck! Maury, F why don't you offer some moral support?

MS - Oh, I would but I just have to recap my lines. You know I couldn't get them right at the read through.

FMA - I'd rather stick hot needles in my eyes!

AG - (Moves to where the tall lady stands with the Security Guards.) Can I help you Madam?

RF - (In high pitched woman's voice) Yes, I hope so Mr Gansa. Could you get rid of these Security men, please?

AG - Do I know you? There's something awfully familiar about you. You weren't in Berlin last fall were you? Don't get too close.

RF (Leans closer and whispers in normal voice) It's me!

AG - Who?

RF - Rupert, of course!

AG - What the fuck?

RF - It's a little trick I learnt while doing Agent 47, sadly all of those scenes ended up on the cutting room floor, they said the Hitman didn't have a feminine side but I thought they were wrong.

AG - What the fuck?

RF - I borrowed a wig and the dress from Aimee. Jesus these heels are killing me!

AG - You found heels to fit your massive feet?

RF - No and that's the bloody problem! I need to sit down and take them off.

AG - Is this some sort of method acting? Is this for your next job? Cos if it is I don't think you should bother.

RF - No, it's for you.

AG - For me? I didn't realise you cared but I'm really not.....

RF - No, not like that.

AG - Then what?

RF - I'm in disguise. 

AG - In disguise. Why?

RF - You said you didn't want those excellent spy women to clock me again. So I've taken action. Even if they see me, they won't know it's me. Perfect eh?

MP - (Walks by. Stops and peers at Rupert) My dear lady, have we met? You look absolutely stunning! After the filming is over today will you do me the honour of having dinner with me?

RF - No. Go away.

MP - Oh, you are such a heartbreaker! Quick, at this stage in my therapy I can't take rejection! I need my pills. (Rushes away towards his trailer.)

AG - Come on, we need to get started.

CD - Rupert is that you?

LLG - Good Lord.

CD - I recognised the feet. No woman has feet that big.

RF - How do you walk in these heels?

CD - Oh it takes lots of practise. I like what you've done with the eye make-up too, makes your eye colour really stand out. 

RF - You think? I wasn't sure it matched my dress though.

CD - No it's fine. You know, if you weren't so tall, close up you make not too bad a woman!

AG - Stop this right now. Rupert get out of that dress. You are a badass hobo assassin with PTSD and commitment issues not a fucking transvestite! 

FMA - Rupert is that you?

RF - Hi F. Just rocking my disguise.

FMA - Be careful, Patinkin will be trying to bed you.

RF - He's already asked me out to dinner.

FMA - I knew it!

MS - Rupes is that you?

RF - Hi Maury. I think I've really outfoxed those wthomeland spies this time.

MS - You have gone to a lot of trouble. Are you sure it's worth it? I mean the spy we met was real cute and pretty harmless.

RF - Mr Gansa said I.....

AG - OK that's enough. Let's focus on the shower scene. Remind me again why F and Maury are here?

FMA and MS - (Together) Moral support.

AG - Right lets get back in then.

RF - Why is there a gorilla over there?

CD - Where?

RF - There.

CD - Jesus there is!

FMA - Relax people it's not a real one.

CD - But what is it doing here? Carrie isn't being dropped into the jungle, not in her pant suit, that wasn't in the script I read anyway. Is she?

LLG - Not that I heard. You don't think somebody got the wrong end of the stick when we asked for guerrilla soldiers in Palestine, do you?

FMA - No, not at all. In actual fact it's Sebastian.

CD - Sebastian? You mean Otto During?

(The gorilla waves a banana friendlily.)

FMA - Yes. Alex wanted to keep his presence in this season a surprise, last gasp attempt to resurrect the cliffhanger following Rupert obviously not being dead. 

RF - So Sebastian's in disguise too?

FMA - Yes.

RF - Fuck, I wish I had thought of that one, I love bananas.

CD - But it must be boiling in there.

RF - Good point, this wig is really hot enough for me. I would probably faint in all that fur.

LLG - Not very badass hobo assassin with PTSD and commitment issues, Rupert!

AG - (Shakes his head) Sometimes I think the whole world has gone completely mad!

LLG - That's show biz, Alex!


	6. Award Ceremony Nerds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers - Behind the scenes after last night's ceremony. Who needs EMMYs when you can have GIMMIs?!

AG - Alex Gansa  
LLG - Lesli Linka Glatter  
CD - Claire Danes  
RF - Rupert Friend  
FMA -F Murray Abraham  
MS - Maury Sterling  
MP - Mandy Patinkin  
SK - Sebastian Koch

In a murky bar close to the Emmy Ceremony venue, late, very late at night, 18 September 2016

 

LLG - Settle down everyone and thanks for coming.

FMA - What's this about Lesli?

CD - Yes, why are we here? And why couldn't I bring Hugh?

RF - Don't worry, Aimee is entertaining him with stories about her blades.

CD - Oh dear. Hugh hasn't got the strongest of stomachs, she won't get too graphic, will she?

LLG - Well I guess we are all a little upset that we didn't win anything tonight. So Alex and I thought we'd do our own award ceremony because damn we are good and we should have won.

AG - (Very drunk) Yes, season five is a fucking masterpiece! 

LLG - We are going to call them the GIMMIs, aren't we Alex?

CD - The what?

LLG - GIMMIs - Gansa is most magnificently impressed!

AG - I fucking was, season five was just.....

LLG - So we have a number of categories, if you could all just sit down, we'll get on.

CD - Rupes, how did you break your ankle? Really this time, no bullshit.

RF - It's a long story, I don't think......

FMA - Oh come on boy, spit it out!

MS - Yes, spill the beans, Rupes!

RF - Well, you remember I was in disguise, trying to outwit those wthomeland girls, which is pretty difficult anyway.

FMA - You fell off those goddamn stilettos?

RF - No. But they were supremely hard to manoeuvre. Anyway, Aimee and I got to talking about how dangerous it was every day for the ladies having to wear such heels and then we did dance practice.

MS - You hurt yourself doing your Saturday Night Fever routine?

RF - No. But we got to talking about those stunts I've done on set. Remember when I rolled my ankle?

CD - But you didn't do it on set!

RF - No. But Aimee said she wanted to skydive.

LLG - What?! You didn't?

RF - No. But I did once before.

FMA - Christ this is a long story, it's almost fucking Game of Thrones! Your ankle, Rupes, how did you break it?

RF - So I was showing her how to fall properly when you land after sky diving.

MS - That's it?

CD - I don't get it.

RF - I jumped off the couch to show her how to land correctly, only I didn't.

CD - Didn't what?

RF - Land correctly. (Shrugs sheepishly) I broke my ankle!

MS - Off the couch?

RF - Well, it was already weakened by my stunts.

CD - Ouch.

MS - I see why you don't want to tell the story!

AG - And now we have to delay production! We'll never make January.

LLG - Yes we will, Alex don't worry!

FMA - Yes, have another whisky, Alex all will be fine!

MP - (Wakes up) Whisky? Did somebody mention whisky?

CD - It's every award ceremony though Rupes. Remember last time you had a black eye? I'm worried what will happen next.

FMA - Well, at least we know he has the skills to drive a wheelchair down the red carpet!

RF - I would wheelie all the way!

LLG - Right, lets get on. Maury can you help as Alex appears to have been partying a touch too hard and is a little worse for wear?

AG - (Wails) I can't believe we won nothing! Nothing!

MS - OK. The first award is for Best Erroneous Proposal and the winner is..... Sebastian Koch!

(Muted clapping)

SK - Danke, Danke! Ich liebe dich.

CD - (Whispers) Shit that still makes me shiver! I can't believe Alex is still trying to go with the marriage as a valid cliffhanger. Carrie would rather stick pins in her eyes than marry that jerk!

MS - And the next category is Best Grandad.

FMA - Here we go.....

MS - And the award goes to.....Mandy!

(Even more muted clapping!)

FMA - What the fuck, I have never been so insulted. I want a recount!

MP - (Wakes up with a grunt!) What?

RF - You've got an award.

MP - I have? Oh! It is with great honour that I accept this award on behalf of...... Who am I accepting it for?

MS - No it's for you!

MP - Are you sure? They normally only ask me when somebody can't turn up.

FMA - Best grandad my ass! Most senile idiot surely!

LLG - And the next award for Most Beautiful Leading Lady.

FMA - (Under his breath) With an orange glow.

LLG - Goes to Claire Danes!

(Wild whistling and clapping!)

CD - (Beaming orangely) Why thank you. it's always a pleasure.

MS - Best Megalomanic, I mean Director, goes to our own Lesli Linka Glatter.

LLG - Here's one in the eye for those misogynistic bastards! Girl power rules!

(Uproarious clapping and high fives!)

AG - Season five was the greatest TV ever, wasn't it? 

MS - Next award goes to Sexist Man on Set. And the winner is Alexander Fehling.

(Stunned silence)

FMA - What!?

CD - Huh! Really?

MS - Unfortunately Alexander can't be here today cos he's got a real job back in Germany. So we'll send it over to him via Sebastian.

SK - Danke. Danke.

FMA - (Whispers to RF) I think we're getting screwed here.

RF - Well, it's just not about the winning is it?

FMA - Yes, it fucking is! Peanut butter and jelly sandwich?

RF - No, I fucking hate the things!

MP - (Wakes up) Good grandads don't prowl around on set with no pants on! 

FMA - Oh my god, it speaks!

AG - Nothing, not a thing! No Emmy!

LLG - Moving on to Best Showrunner Category and the winner is Alex Gansa!

(Sycophantic clapping)

AG - No, I can't accept it. I have failed you all. I have done my best, always, but I have just fallen short. I shall re-evaluate my position.

CD - Don't worry Alex, you did good.

MS - Here, have another drink. Re-evaluate from the bottom of this whisky glass.

AG - Oh thanks, don't mind if I do.(Big slurp!) 

MS - See that's better, isn't it?

AG - Damn you are right. I am good.

LLG - The best.

AG - I can do this! Just look, my new plan for publicity is working like a dream. I'm sucking them in. I am damn good!

CD - What plan?

AG - Body double for Rupes.

CD - What the fuck?

MP - What? Brody double? Is that new young Damien coming back? I loved him!

FMA - Deaf as well as stupid!

RF - Yes I've been meaning to talk to you about that, Mr Gansa. I really am quite OK with those scenes. (His phone rings) Oh sorry I'm gonna have to take this. Hello? Oh hello St John.....it's my agent.....Yes everything is fine.......My tux why? Complaints? ........ I don't understand.........As if I'd go to an award ceremony in a flowery shirt? Come on.......(Sniffs) There is nothing wrong with that shirt! Some people have no fashion sense. (Slams down the phone.) It's a lovely shirt as are all the other flowery ones I possess.

FMA - Yes indeed. I particularly like the black one with peonies, very fetching. Some people are just not in touch with their feminine side, Rupes. I shouldn't worry, your real fans would still love you in a trash bag.

RF - Trash? Oh no, not that again!

LLG - Any way getting back to the point, can I just say it's a pleasure to film Rupes' naked butt. I will accept no substitutes.

AG - (Raises hands) Ad is already out there guys. The prey has already taken the bait. Twitter, Livejournal, Tumblr have been buzzing all day. Forget the pathetic Emmys, the talk is all about Rupert's ass. I am a fucking genius!

RF - But I really don't mind.

CD - I fucking do. I have been looking forward to that scene since I fucking wrote it! You cannot give me a fucking body double.

RF - I've done butt shots before.

LLG - Season two, episode seven. We remember.

FMA - We certainly do!

RF - Is it because you think I'm out of shape? 

LLG - Of course not Rupes. You look great as ever. You're really rocking that tux, even with the crutches!

RF - I feel like I'm letting my fans down.

AG - You're all missing the point. You can do the shots if you want Rupes, that's not a problem.

RF - Then why the ad?

CD - Yes, why?

AG - I am winning! I am finally winning against them.

LLG - Who?

AG - Those wthomeland bitches!

LLG - Don't you think this is taking it a bit too far?

AG - I am the Showrunner! I just won the goddamn EMMY!

MS - You mean the GIMMI!

AG - Whatever! The point is they don't know what is going on! They've been bitching and moaning all day! Trying to find out more. I've got them on the run at last!

FMA - This is getting a touch concerning isn't it?

LLG - Yes but he's drunk. It'll be alright in the morning. Now let's get back to the awards. Maury?

MS - Next one is best Donut Delivery.

RF - You got this one F!

MS - F Murray Abraham!

(Wild clapping and donut throwing!)

FMA - Oh my darlings, I am quite overcome. Thank you, this shall go next to my Golden Globe and my Oscar. You've made an old thespian very happy.

MS - So that completes our ceremony for today.

CD - It does?

FMA - Haven't we forgotten somebody?

RF - It's OK, guys. As I said it's not the winning that counts. It's the doing a good job.

LLG - Maury quit teasing!

MS - Oh yes, sorry me bad! There is one more category and that is Best Slobberer and for a truly droolingly classic performance in that gas chamber, who could it be but Rupert Friend!

(Raucous clapping!)

RF - Thank you. I tried my best.

CD - What you did with that cottage cheese was truly magnificent.

FMA - I have rarely seen such creative use of spittle!

LLG - So the first ever (and probably the last since we are gonna slay the EMMYs next year) GIMMI Award Ceremony comes to an end. Thanks for coming everybody and see you all back on set on Monday, when we try to definitely film Rupes' firm, beautiful butt, which should get an EMMY of its own if GOT can get three, but not his plaster cast.

CD - Except Sebastian, who sadly has finished filming his one scene. Safe journey back home.... (Under breath) and good riddance!

SK - Danke, Danke!

LLG - Now help me get Alex to bed. He needs to sleep this off, badly!


	7. Call Sheet Nerds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Exclusive access to what is REALLY happening on set today. Contains spoilers!   
> Thanks to all our on set spies for getting the intel that needs to be out there.

LLG - Lesli Linka Glatter  
CD - Claire Danes  
RF - Rupert Friend  
FMA -F Murray Abraham  
AH - Amy Hargreaves

 

In Claire Danes' trailer on set of Homeland. 6.00 am Wednesday 26 October 2016

 

LLG - OK people, settle down.

FMA - Hey, Danesy, nice pad you have here. Love the shag pile carpet and chandelier. Gold fittings, classy. Do you have those in your trailer, Rupert?

RF - No. I can't even find mine half the time, they seem to be hiding it for some reason.

CD - Just re-affirming who is the protagonist on this show. (Smiles sweetly).

RF - (Smiles back) There was never any doubt.

LLG - Thanks for coming for this swiftly called emergency meeting before shooting this morning. Not usual I know but we have a situation here.

FMA - Shouldn't you be in Morocco?

LLG - I caught the red eye back. Alex sent for me.

CD - Where is Alex?

LLG - He's a little under the weather.

CD - Oh no.

LLG - You know how he gets mid season.

FMA - Fucking demented!

LLG - Thank you F. And he's taken a few more punches than usual this season so far.

CD - Such as?

FMA - Your refusal to go along with the Otto cliffhanger at Paley for one. (Makes speech signs with his hands) "Oh, Carrie is in NYC irritating Quinn!" Gansa went fucking white!

CD - I told him Otto was a stupid idea. Serves him right anyway for rewriting my shower scene. My scene was fucking poetry, but he took Carrie out of it entirely and put in a guy in a goddamn gas mask. What the fuck?

RF - That scene would have been far better with you Claire, kissing a guy in a gas mask is almost impossible!

CD - How would you know Rupes? The way I heard it you weren't even there, your body double did it after all. You just used it as an excuse not to go to Paley and drop another plot spoiler.

RF - (Smiles mischievously with dimples) I left that for you this time. So is Season Sex completely off the table?

LLG/FMA/CD - (Together) Delayed.....slow burn.

FMA - I heard that once you finished filming at the Mental Hospital yesterday, the shrinks refused to let Gansa out. Put him in a padded cell with a strait jacket.

CD - Christ! Is that true?

LLG - No it isn't! (Looks uncomfortable) He's just a little over excited and tired. They have a nice quiet room where he can have a rest until he gets back to feeling more like himself. Which brings me to why we are having this meeting.

FMA - Where's shitface?

LLG - Who?

FMA - Pandy Manikin.

LLG - If you mean our esteemed colleague Mandy, he stayed in Morocco with Brianne Davis. Last I saw he was trying to barter with a local tribesman, Brianne for a camel, I'm not sure who was getting the best deal, to be honest but at least my instagram feed isn't filled with so many pouting selfies nowadays! To be fair that fermented fig liquor is very strong stuff and Mandy seemed to like it.

FMA - You should take more couscous with it!

Knock at the door...

AH - (Sticks head in) Hey all! Can I come in?

LLG - Hi Amy. Of course.

CD - Hey Sis! (They air kiss)

AM - Yo Sis! You fucking the brains out of this gorgeous stud? Is he officially my brother-in-law yet?

CD - (Sighs) Working on it!

RF - (Smiles) We are getting there.

Everybody - (Together) SLOW BURN!

AM - Well I'm here to film the wedding scene, maid of honour and all that, so you better get on with it! Oh my god, Rupert, your face? Did somebody beat you?

RF - Make-up, Amy, that's all.

AM - Jesus, somebody beat up Peter Quinn??! You have got to be kidding me!

RF - Nah, not really. Franny hit me with that fucking toy plastic phone she's got is all. She obviously didn't like whatever the caller on the other end was telling her.

AM - She's as wild as her mother.

RF - Dead right there.

LLG - So, getting back to the reason for the meeting, people: Call Sheet Security.

Everybody - Sighs and hisses.

LLG - Bear with me on this guys. One of the things troubling Alex is on-set security. Over the last few weeks it seems that two, maybe three, Call Sheets have found their way into the hands of unscrupulous persons who will stop at nothing to discuss season sex......sorry, I mean six ...... on all sorts of social media platforms. This has got to stop.

RF - (Snickers) For a spy show we're not doing very well, are we?

LLG - No, we're not. So Alex has asked me to check who has mislaid their call sheets.

FMA - Is this really necessary? A few spoilers make the blood boil, cause the excitement to grow. Spoilers make television. I loved those photos of me without my trousers for instance! Quite frankly there really is nothing except good PR. Do you know some of these young uns are actually allowed to twat pictures from their set for the fans to enjoy?

RF - We all loved you without your trousers, you should go commando next! and its 'tweet', F.

FMA - What?

RF - It's not twat, that's something all together different, its tweet. And that's exactly what me and Maury have been saying all along.

LLG - Rules are rules, boys and whether we like them or not, Alex is the boss and he makes them. So show me your call sheets.

AM - (Rolls her eyes) Ooh urh! That sounds really quite dirty, glad I came!

CD - Now? Surely we have more important things to discuss, like why am I still wearing the same pant suit?

LLG - Yes now. Put them on the table.

FMA - How juvenile can we get?

LLG - It could get a lot worse. We have reports of maniacal spies on set posing as local neighbourhood residents, desperate people who will stop at nothing to get Intel on what is going on! Good, call sheets all present and accounted for, it appears none of you were the leak.

FMA - Check Manikin, he probably swapped his for a bottle of whisky!

RF - Or fermented fig liquor!

CD - Why are you so happy anyway, Rupes? It's not just the buzz of working again after your six months of lazying about doing nothing while the rest of us trod the boards off Broadway, is it?

RF - Well, being back at it is great and I do enjoy it but there is more. I went on that Emmy4U site you told me about. Fed in the details and it came out 99.237654% sure that I'm gonna get an Emmy this season. Not that I'm motivated by pointless ego-enhancing awards obviously....

CD - Obviously. Who is?

FMA - Me!

RF - But it would be nice to make getting togged up and wearing the bow tie worthwhile for once. It was a real drag last time and the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches were gross. Still can't get the taste out of my mouth. They were worse than the cream cheese from the gas chamber scene in season five.

FMA - Well, you were on your crutches, old boy too, must have been a pain. How is the ankle by the way?

RF - Ankle good, hip hurts now. Reckon that's the end of doing my own stunts now.

FMA - Quite right too. You need to look after yourself and your looks, son, if you hope to work for as long as me.

CD - Wow, 99.237654% that's cool. (Looks upset, chin starts to wobble) it only said 33.3% for me.

RF - Oh I'm sure that's a mistake, Claire. Glitch in the program.

FMA - You want to be careful with those predictor things, darling. I did it years ago for Amadeus, not on-line obviously, had to send away my script by post, would you believe. It told me I was a dead cert to win an Oscar.

RF - But you did, F.

FMA - I know but what if I hadn't?

LLG - You fed in the details of this season, Rupert?

RF - Well only about Quinn.

LLG - And you did Carrie, Claire?

CD - (Pouts) Yes and I am calling for a rewrite!

LLG - Into an insecure website?

RF - I think it was secure, it had a lock icon thingie.

LLG - You think it was secure? You told it all about hookers, drugs, mobs, hostages, arrest, kidnapping......sex?

RF - All the hot trashy stuff I'm doing! (Gulps) Ahh maybe.

LLG - (Shakes head) And I'm worried about people taking snapshots on set and picking up call sheets from the trash!

RF - You don't think that I........

CD - What does it matter if I'm not going to get an Emmy?

FMA - Matters not a jot. More spoilers, more fun, more viewers, I say!

LLG - I think we found our leaks. Which means that the most distressing scenario is just a rumour.

CD - What scenario?

LLG - There was a rumour that a whole script had gone missing.....Thank God that's not the case!

FMA - A whole script? Good Lord but that's impossible, you practically manacle those things to us.

LLG - Alex mislaid his and.....

RF - Wait a minute, you're accusing me of doing something that every, and I mean every, actor does, meanwhile Mr Gansa has lost his script.

LLG - We're not sure. Alex is a little confused and nobody is accusing you or Claire of anything, Rupes, just trying to get to the bottom of what is going on.

AM - I see that life on set is just as exciting as ever. More drama than in any script!

FMA - Too right. That's why I love it so.

LLG - I think it's probably best for all if we just draw a veil over all of this. Put it down to incredibly good sleuthing by our amazing, committed fans, and just move on.

RF - I'm happy to. I hope Mr Gansa gets better soon and I'm sure his script will turn up.

LLG - He will and it will, I know it.

CD - Meanwhile can we consider a rewrite please?

AM - To include a wedding scene.

FMA - Well I'm glad that's over with. Donut anyone? Oh look at that, there's a young woman clutching an electronic device and a microphone just climbed out from under the trailer. She's running off with a joyous look on her face. You don't think she was recording us, do you?

LLG - (Shakes her head again) None of you tell Alex about this! Amazing, committed fans, ha! They are all batshit crazy!


	8. Kidnapped Nerds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More exclusives!!!

LLG - Lesli Linka Glatter  
CD - Claire Danes  
RF - Rupert Friend  
FMA -F Murray Abraham  
MS - Maury Sterling  
MPO - Male Police Officer  
FPO - Female Police Officer

 

On the Homeland set, 28 October 2016

 

MPO - OK people if you could just all sit down, I am sure we will get to the bottom of this.

FMA - How do we even know you are real police officers, you might be working with them. There have been so many fucking fake cops and Federal Agents on set recently.

MPO - I assure you Sir, the lady has checked our credentials as per NYPD policy.

FMA - Is that true, Lesli?

LLG - Yes, they're the real deal. Here to help.

MPO - So let's just sit down, take a breath and sort this out. Thank you.

FPO - We are missing some people aren't we? I thought we asked for everyone.

LLG - This is all the actors that were on set when it happened. They were some behind the scenes guys, but they don't matter do they?

FPO - Was there a Key Grip?

LLG - I believe so.

FPO - What do they even do?

LLG - I'm sorry?

FPO - I've always wondered what they do, is all.

FMA - I've been an actor for going on sixty years and I'm damned if I know! And don't even start me on the Dolly Grip!

MPO - So who else would normally be here?

LLG - Alex Gansa, our showrunner, he's been 'resting' for a couple of weeks.

FPO - Oh my god I'm sorry to hear that. Is he OK? Such a great man.

FMA - Oh, he gets like this mid season every year.

LLG- It's a stressful time.

FPO - I'm sure.

LLG - And Mandy Patinkin, our third lead, he's still in Morocco, er ......filming, I believe.

FMA- Is he?

LLG - You know he is F. 

FMA - Oh I know he's still in Morocco, word on the veterans wire is he's filming a remake, 'Alibaba and the Forty Whiskies'. Not to be recommended in a Moslem country but Manikin knows best. I was questioning if he is third lead. Oh thank god, well done Maury my boy, you got coffee. And donuts?

MS - Of course F, in the circumstances, how could I not? Here Claire, get some caffeine in your system.

CD - (Visibly shaken) I still can't believe it really happened!

LLG - I know, it's been a shock to us all.

MPO - So, let's go by the book, starting with you Ms Danes. In your own words, what happened?

CD - Well we were filming the hospital scene with Quinn, I mean Rupert......

FPO - Not another one?

CD - Huh?

FPO - Well, he spent the end of last season in hospital didn't he? I was hoping that he'd be back to kicking ass this season, you know Quinning.

LLG- You a fan, Officer?

MPO - I'll say so. She never fucking shuts up about it. Ms Danes?

CD - Well Rupes was on the gurney and then they suddenly appeared and whisked him away. There he was gone!

MPO - How many?

CD - At least four.

MS - I saw six.

FMA - There were about eight.

MPO - OK, so we have a slight disagreement on the numbers

FPO - That's only to be expected, it was a stressful moment.

MPO - What did they look like?

CD - All black

MPO - African American?

CD - How should I know?

MPO - But you just said.....

LLG - They were dressed in all black, Officer. Head to toe. Quite fetching outfits to be honest. Sexy you know.

MPO - Oh I see. Can you remember anything else?

CD - Not really.

FPO - Was it like any of the times you've been taken, Carrie.....I mean Claire?

MPO -You've been kidnapped before? We could have a serial kidnapper on our hands.

FMA - Only in the show, dimwit!

MPO - What?

LLG - She gets kidnapped a lot on the show, but not like this. This was for real.

MPO - Oh right. So did anybody get anything else?

MS - They had weird accents. Some of them.

MPO - They did? Like what?

MS - There was a couple of Brits there for sure. An Aussie. And a Swede.....

FMA - That's right! I remember now. No, not Swedish, Danish if I'm not mistaken.

MS - Let me finish, F.

FMA - That's it, you're right.

MS - What?

FMA - One was a Finnish.

MS - OK. And an Iranian plus a load of Americans.

MPO - Christ, it sounds like the fucking United Nations! Any thing else we should know?

(Shake heads. Mumble 'No,' 'Nope,' 'Nothing'.)

MS - Well there was one thing might be relevant.

MPO - Procedures say anything could be relevant. Go on, please.

MS - They were all women.

LLG - Girl power!

CD - Amen.

MPO - What, real women?!

FPO - Lucky bitches!

MPO - Lets get back to procedure here, should we? So did he have any enemies?

(Phone rings)

LLG - Sorry I have to get that. Hello? How the fuck did you get this number? How do you know that? Well thanks for the suggestion, Damien, but we really don't need you to come back and be male lead! Thank you. Goodbye!

MPO - Who was that?

LLG - Damien Lewis, ex male lead.

FPO - They killed him off, end of season three, in Iran. Should have been earlier though, he had really outstayed his usefulness.

MPO - Who killed him off? We have a murder too? In Iran you say? And one of today's kidnappers was Iranian.

FMA - Not only that Damien is a Brit too!

MPO - The plot thickens. I see motive here.

LLG - Forget it. It wasn't Damien, he's just an opportunist trying to get his job back. Quite frankly he wouldn't be up for planning something like this. He's an ex Public School boy you know. All charm and no brains!

MPO - This is all getting a little confusing. I think I need to consult my NYPD Procedure Manual.

FPO - I don't think they'll cover something like this in there.

MPO - It covers everything!

(Bang at the door. MS goes, comes back face ashen.)

CD - What's that? Oh my god it's his foot! (Chin wobbles, face begins to implode.)

LLG - Its OK, Claire, it's just his shoe.

MPO - Give me that, its evidence.

MS - Wait, there's a note attached.

FPO - Now we're getting somewhere! Don't worry guys, we will have Quinn back before you know it!

MPO - Its not very trendy is it? The shoe I mean.....I thought he was supposed to be some sort of goddamn sex symbol?

CD - (Sniffing) The heartthrobbiest!

MS - He's got PTSD and motor skills difficulties.

FPO - He was gassed with sarin last year.

MPO - Jesus. He's on a run of bad luck hasn't he?

FMA - (Snatches note from MS) Let me, I have the voice for it! (Clears throat and then articulates in his best Shakespearean voice) To whom it my concern. We have your Friend and you won't get him back until you succumb to our demands.

FPO - Christ that is so good, Mr Abraham, sends me all goose-pimply. I loved you in Amadeus, thought you were completely misunderstood.

CD - (Starts to cry. MS gives her a hug.) 

LLG - Come on F, what are the demands?

FMA - We demand a season sex trailer now and no more hurting Peter Quinn.

MPO - That's it?

FPO - These girls got class!

FMA - Signed WTHomeland.

MS - Oh, it's them again! Wonder if that cute Latino lady is involved,

MPO - You know these people?

LLG - (Gets back on phone.) Hello Production? Is the trailer ready?

MPO - You can't give in, just like that?

CD - (Sobbing) We just want Rupert back! We'll do anything!

LLG - Well when is it likely to be? I don't care what Mr Gansa said, I'm in fucking charge now! Get it out now! (Aggressively hangs up). Well that's sorted. Now where's my lippy?

MPO - You gave in, just like that?

LLG- Tactical withdrawal! We know these ladies, know what they are capable of. Believe me this is for the best. That trailer should have been out months ago anyway. Alex just teasing his audience, sometimes he goes too far!

MPO - But we don't recommend acquiescing to blackmail quite so easily. The NYPD rules are quite clear on this.

FMA - Oh, put a fucking sock in it!

MPO - One more blasphemous remark from you and I'll cuff you and have you downtown before you can say......

FMA - I'd like to see you try! I'll scream police brutality in my Shakespearean voice.....very loudly! Aged Oscar Winners' lives matter!

MS - Easy everybody!

(Door opens. In walks RF, hair cut and styled like season five, clothes trendy and on point and boots.....he's wearing his fucking season five boots!!! Hallelujah!)

FMA - Jesus, that was quick. They are good!

CD - Rupert! Oh my god I thought I'd lost you!

(CD and LLG rush to hug him. FMA does likewise. MS shakes his hand in a manly way.)

RF - Hey guys!

LLG - Are you all right? Did they hurt you?

RF - No, we had a great time. We watched all my movies, cooked lunch, had a makeover. I even let them take selfies of me cos I wasn't in costume anymore. Hope that was all right.

CD - They gave you a makeover?

RF - Yeah, said they'd had enough of hobo Quinn, wanted hot as fuck Quinn back.

FPO - Can't argue with that. What are you doing?

MPO - (Furiously tapping into his phone) Site's called WTHomeland right?

FPO -Yeah, they're on tumblr and Twitter. I think. Not that I go on them, obviously.

MPO - And they took selfies....I knew they wouldn't be able to resist. Got ya! (Triumphantly shows everybody his phone with Rupert plus ladies' photos all over the blog.) There are literally thousands on here.

FPO - Lucky girls! 

RF - Hey, I look really good don't I? I think they got my best side.

FMA - Top hair game, son. You make me really proud.

CD - You sure do. But you haven't got a bad side, Rupes.

MPO - Get these pics on the wire. They won't get far, we have them now.

RF - Wait a minute, you're not going to hurt them are you?

MPO - Hurt them, no. Arrest them and throw away the key. Definitely.

RF - But nothing happened. I'm OK. Had a pretty good time actually and learned an awful lot about social media and how to improve my profile.

CD - And look what they did to him. How awesome does he look?

FPO - Its a gift for the rest of mankind. They have done us a service.

FMA - They deserve a fucking Noble Prize!

LLG - We won't be pressing charges.

MPO - But they kidnapped him! The NYPD procedure is very clear.....

FPO - I think we've had quite enough of the rule book, partner. Let's go find some real criminals.

MPO - But........

FPO - Lets leave these people to make the best programme on TV.....it's not long until January!

(MPO and FPO leave.)

LLG - (Tapping on phone).

RF - What are you doing?

LLG - I've had it with SHO, I'm making contact with WTHomeland. Those girls can do our PR from now on.

FMA - Well, I, for one, am glad that's all over! Too much drama isn't good for my heart! Donut anybody?


	9. Lake Oscawana Nerds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jealousy, bribery and corruption...and that's just the cast. Plus who will go for a swim in Lake Oscawana?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For Bwg71...thanks for the coffee and ideas, mate!

AG - Alex Gansa  
LLG - Lesli Linka Glatter  
CD - Claire Danes  
RF - Rupert Friend  
FMA -F Murray Abraham  
MP - Mandy Patinkin  
NH - Nina Hoss  
MK - McKenna Keane  
CK - Claire Keane  
TL - Tracey Letts

 

After the Homeland shoot on 7 December 2016, relaxing in the cabin lounge with roaring fire and warm drinks.

 

RF - So it was me that released the promo photo. Do you think I'll be in trouble?

FMA - You?

RF - Well, I bribed Doris to do it.

FMA - Doris? The tea lady?

RF - Yeah, apparently she's multi-tasking in the PR Department now, too.

FMA- (Shakes head) Showtime really is a tin pot organisation isn't it?

RF - And I added that bit about Quinn to the first episode synopsis. Do you think that's conceited and self-centred of me? But Mr Gansa's cliffhanger is dead in the water and I have my fans to think about. I owe those WTHomeland ladies.

FMA - You're an actor, man. You're supposed to be conceited and self-centred. Anyway Gansa seems too upset about the President Elect situation to worry about anything else right now.

RF - That's a relief! Man, this isn't a cabin! It's a fucking palace.

FMA - Yes it is quite a nice place, isn't it? (Winks) Great place to bring a lady friend. Quite romantic. Who'd have thought we'd end up filming here.

AG - (Walks in, on the phone) Yes I am perfectly aware of that but how could we have known? Yes, we do pride ourselves on being prescient and I can't let that go, not now. We'll be a laughing stock. So we are going to have to take some action here. (Puts phone under chin.) Hi guys, where is everyone else?

FMA - Lesli and Claire took a walk by the lake, they're coming back now. Lord knows where Pantykins has got to. Gone out for more liquor probably.

AG - Word on the street is those WTHomeland girls have got spies all over NYC. But I've played a blinder here. They'll never think to look out here! 

RF - Don't you think you're getting a little too hung up on those ladies, Mr Gansa?

AG - Not at all. (Shakes his head and goes back to phone) So is that possible? Green screen? No we didn't. Could that cause a problem? Damn! We'll see what you can do, I need to change this and I won't take no for an answer. (Hangs up)

RF - Problem?

AG - Nothing that can't be solved but if we could rewind and re-write 8 November, it would be a good deal better. 

(RF and FMA nod in agreement.)

(Gansa's phone rings again and he moves away to answer just as one of the twins, McKenna, arrives.)

MK - Hey Limey, you owe me ten bucks!

RF - Shush. Keep it down! And it was five dollars as I recall. 

MK - Ten or nothing.

RF - Need proof before I pay out.

MK - All right then. Are you ready?

RF - Go for it. F, this should be good.

(McKenna crinkles up her face, chin wobbling in an exact minute impression of Claire Danes' cry face.)

FMA - (Laughs loudly) Jesus that's good. Gotta be worth ten bucks.

RF - (Gets out his paper wallet) You're right. Impressive! I'll give you another ten if you do it for real during a take. Maybe in the foster family scene.

MK - Deal. (Shakes her head). That's a strange wallet for a tough guy.

RF - Sentimental value.

FMA - Hey, little person, do you do other things for money?

MK - Depends what you want.

FMA - (Leans in and whispers to her.) 

MK - (Laughs) Not me but my sister might! Claire!

CD - (Strolling up with Lesli) What?

FMA - Not you, the other one. Too many Claires! One of you might want to think about calling themselves C. It's worked wonders for my career.

RF - It wouldn't work so well if we all did it though would it, F?

FMA - Well, if I didn't there'd be too many Murrays on set wouldn't there?

RF - I guess. Where is he anyway?

FMA - Scotland, I think.

RF - Why?

FMA - Who knows? Who would?

CD - Well, isn't this place just great?

FMA - (Arches eyebrows) Great for a little you know what, eh?

CD - Let's not go into that F, you know my feelings on that subject. First my shower scene rewritten and now this.

AG - (Walking back in. Looking up from his phone) Slow burn, Claire, honey, slow burn!

FMA - (Chuckles) Everything comes to she who waits. Now if you'll excuse me I would just like to have a little word with the other precocious young talent. (He walks away to find Claire Keane.)

(Door opens and in walks Nina Hoss)

AG - Nina! (Air kisses) How are you!

LLG - Nina, guten tag! It's been a long time since that game of strip poker in Berlin. You look great. Love the hat.

CD - Hi.

RF - Hey Hoss! (Gives her a big hug) Ready for your big scene?

NH - Hey Friend, of course I am, are you ready for yours?

RF - Can't wait. Bet you're gonna act the socks off it.

NH - And you too.

RF - Emmys here we come!

CD - I'm leaving now to get the measurements taken for the Carrie Mathison action doll. 

NH - Action doll, (She begrudgingly lets go of RF) Wow really?

RF - Yes, its Doris in PR's idea. Play your cards right and you might get an Astrid one.

CD - I don't think so. And can I just remind everybody before I go that I am the protagonist here! (Leaves)

NH - (Rolls her eyebrows) Something I said?

LLG - Oh poor darling. It's just her artistic temperament. 

RF - Nah, she's just a little upset at the plot. Not how we envisaged things happening.

NH - Me neither. What's with the black eye?

RF - Make up. I'm having a tough time.

NH - Oh poor baby.

AG - (Back on the phone) We can't? Damn! Then we'll have to go for Plan H. What's his number? Let me talk to him. Is he really?

LLG - Need any help?

AG - No. I said I'd sort this and I will. Just got to call an old friend.

LLG - We won't have to reshoot will we?

AG - No. It's amazing what they can go with CGI these days! Mattress Maureen has promised to help.

RF - Who?

LLG - The woman Alex met in Berlin last year. She makes porn.

AG - Not porn. They're artistic adult movies and she can work wonders with her equipment.

RF - Interesting, I think.

NH - I've been having nightmares about that lake. Somebody is going to end up in it!

AG - Yes, Peter Quinn!

RF - In this case, thank the lord for body doubles!

NH - No, I mean really.

RF - You should listen to her. Nina has the gift of foresight. She knew I was going to be gassed!

LLG - Well, she probably just read the script!

AG - Pity she didn't seen the result of the fucking election, isn't it? Would have saved me a whole lot of trouble!

LLG - Nobody's going in the lake. It's not......

MASSIVE SPLASH

LLG - Oh for god sake! What now?

(FMA jogs in, smirking, closely followed by Claire Keane.)

CK - Fifty bucks, old man!

FMA (Gets out his wallet) The pleasure was all mine.

LLG- What just happened?

FMA - (Smugly) It appears that bumbling idiot Pantykins just fell in the lake. You might want to go help him out.

MP (Stumbles in, dripping wet) Urrgggh!

FMA- Have you ever thought of auditioning for the remake of the Creature from the Black Lagoon, old man?

LLG - Oh my god! Are you OK, Mandy? What happened?

MP - I was singing to the trees, along the banks of this pond and suddenly I tripped. I need a drink. (Wanders off supported by a LLG clucking protectively like a mother hen.)

FMA - That's what old age and drink does for you.

RF - You two, you didn't!

FMA - We did.

CK - Like taking candy from a baby. He refuses to see me or my sister....Franny just doesn't exist for him.

RF - But it's freezing. What if he gets pneumonia or something?

FMA- Then they can kill him off instead of Dar!

NH - I see the Homeland set is the same as always!

RF - Un- fucking- believable!

AG - Great news! (Stops. Looks around) Oh, where did everybody go? Never mind.

NH - Great news?

AG - What?

NH - You said 'great news'.

AG - Oh yes. Due to circumstances beyond my control I have had to recast the President elect. May I present Mr Tracey Letts!

(Tracey Letts enters the room, just as LLG re-enters)

RF - What?

AG - We have to retain our credibility. No female president. We are going to remove Elizabeth Keane and air brush in Andrew Lockhart!

LLG - Oh my god. But he was exposed as a coward and a fraud! Nobody would vote for him!

AG - We were all surprised at what the American public will vote for. That's what got us into this mess in the first place.

LLG - I guess so.

TL - Hey everybody? What the fucking fuck? I brought lasagne.

LLG - Of course you did!

FMA - Any donuts?

RF - You really can't make this up.

CK - Not another boring grey grandad with a girl's name!

MK - Adults are so dumb.

CK - At least we might be able to make some more money out of this one!


	10. PR Game Nerds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The real story behind that Entertainment Weekly interview and much more..............

AG - Alex Gansa  
LLG - Lesli Linka Glatter  
CD - Claire Danes  
MD - Mandy Patinkin  
RF - Rupert Friend  
FMA - F Murray Abraham  
MS - Maury Sterling

 

Cine Magic Studios, New York, 2 January 2017

 

(FMA, MS and RF share a joint whilst waiting patiently)

FMA - This is smooth stuff. Where'd you source it?

MS - Clarice

(They sit in silence for a while)

MS - I don't get it.

RF - What?

MS - Gansa made you delete your Facebook page?

RF - Well, he didn't make me, he just advised it would be a good idea. Said we were in for some scary shit with the PR for this season and it might be better if the fans didn't have direct access to me.

MS - But you're still on Twitter? 

RF - Yeah, but he's watching. I have to be real careful what I retweet.... only the best stuff.

MS - The fuck! This is ridiculous! He never said anything to me.

FMA - Well, with all respect Maury, you're not the star, are you?

MS - No. But neither is Rupes apparently!

FMA - You know the 'Gansa' masterplan.

MS - It stinks. I hate the politics crap. 

RF - It has to be done. I have perfect confidence in Mr Gansa.

FMA - Has he briefed you on the Entertainment Weekly interview tomorrow?

RF - Me? No. I'm not allowed to go am I?

FMA - On the contrary my dear boy, he has expressly asked for you personally. 

RF - Oh my God!

MS - He needs you. This is the big reveal. The explanation of all those season five deathcapades.

FMA - Gansa trying to talk his way out of the fuck up, you mean. That pathetic cliffhanger. (Shakes his head) Honestly, it's basic storytelling, any fool can see you don't build a smouldering relationship over three seasons and then kill off your male lead for shock value!

RF - I'm sure Mr Gansa knows what he's doing.

FMA - Wouldn't bet on it, he hired Pantykins and keeps him in a job, doesn't he?

(AG arrives as MS discards the butt end.)

AG - What's that strange smell? No matter. Hi everybody, happy new year, sorry to have to call you in today and congratulations!

FMA - Did Pantykins die?

AG - Oh, your humour is so dark, F. No, I'm talking about the response to our latest masterpiece Fair Game. We are getting some fabulous feedback. Everybody who has managed to download it is saying it's fabulous! And it's all down to us! Well me actually. I am a show running genius!

RF - What about those people in other countries who can't download it yet, Mr Gansa? Is it fair to them?

AG - What about them? Is it my fault they don't live in the USA? Am I to be held responsible for their lack of geographic foresight?

RF - No but....

AG - No buts! Have you read the script?

RF - What script?

AG - The script for tomorrow's interview with Entertainment Weekly.

RF - There's a script?

AG - Of course. I can't be too careful where you are concerned. Here it is. Take it into the other room and learn it. (Hands RF a script). And don't expect to do all that improvising like you do on set. I want it word for word! Maury go help. If you do good, I’ll get you a spot on the Colbert Show.

RF - Really? Oh, thanks Mr Gansa 

(RF and MS leave)

(LLG, CD and MP arrive)

AG - Good! Just in time. Welcome all and a happy new year to you.

CD - What's this all about Alex? I have a photo shoot with Harper's Bazaar UK in like five minutes. And another one with Marie Claire tomorrow. I am so loved!

AG - And don't you look just adorable, my darling. Don't worry this won't take long. I take it you all got the memo?

(Everybody nods)

FMA - The Gansa PR Strategy one? 

AG - That's the one. So, I think it's true to say we are all signed up to it. Aren't we?

MP - Too right. It's the only way forward. A new paradigm! This is not the fucking Peter Quinn story! Boy is getting way too big for his boots!

CD - I don't know. I mean he's such a nice guy, the heartthrobbiest! And since he had his hair cut so hot again.

LLG - He is. And he's doing such a good job on this season.

AG - Ladies, please. Don't forget, it is our careers at stake. He is taking all the glory! You will never get another EMMY look-in Claire, not while he’s eclipsing you. And it doesn't help when you two keep slipping and saying nice things about him. Remember, we're trying to get audiences to hate him! You're not helping matters! Showtime won't let us get rid of him as long as Quinn is so popular! Don't you get it? It's like fucking Brody all over again.

CD - We know that. It just seems a tad harsh and I’ve told you before you shouldn't compare him with Damien, my soul mate. You know Damo and I had the most marvellous chemistry and he was such fun on set. Oh, I miss him so.

AG - We stick with the plan. Make his character so smelly and hateful and yucky that everybody, even the fangirls, hate him. Then we can dump him.

MP - Great plan. I need a drink! (Stands up and shuffles away but turns back) And give me second billing. I want that at least, I am the male lead!

(MP leaves)

CD - I'm really not sure about this. 

AG - But it was you who said how he was stealing your limelight in the first place, Claire. Getting to be too much of a fan favourite, you said. People didn't know who the protagonist was. I am doing this for you!

CD - I know but I got to dash for this Harpers Bizarre UK photo shoot. Did I mention that?

(CD rushes out)

LLG - Hate is such a very strong word, still this is art and for the good of the show we must suffer. Sometimes this industry breaks my heart. It wouldn't happen if we had more women in charge. Hold that cab, Claire!

(LLG rushes out after CD)

AG – Well, that went well.

FMA – (Sighs) Egos are us. I’m surprised we all fit in the same room.

AG – Whatever. Full steam ahead!

FMA - We were not all born yesterday, Alex. Some of us have the experience of years in this business and our brains are not yet pickled in whisky. We see things.

AG - What do you mean, F?

FMA - Everyone hates Rupes and you want to get rid of him. Really, Alex?

AG - That's the plan.

FMA - By giving him good storylines and screen time? By getting him to act his fucking socks off? We both know that's a mighty elaborate and ultimately ridiculous way to screw with him. He's gonna get a fucking EMMY for his latest work and he’ll deserve it and you know it.

AG - Exactly what are you saying, F?

FMA - I see your real plan.

AG - Which is?

FMA - That Quarrie is endgame! You have no intention of getting rid of Rupert. This is all part of your fucking slow burn. Your games with the PR people and the fans. Be careful you don’t get too fucking clever or it will all fall apart.

AG - (Looks uncomfortable) I don't....

FMA - Don't worry, I don't plan on spilling the beans to the others. Not yet anyway.

AG - Not yet?

FMA - Let's just say it's my insurance policy.

AG - Insurance Policy?

FMA - (Smiling) I see Dar Adal will play a big part in the Homeland story right up to the very end of season 8. Don't you, Alex?

AG - (Gulps) Of course, that's my plan.

FMA- And an EMMY nom for Best Supporting Actor too?

AG - (Nods)

FMA - I'm glad we understand each other.

(RF re- enters)

RF - Oh, Mr Gansa, I am so glad you are still here. I think there might be a mistake in your script for tomorrow.

AG - I don't think so. I don't make mistakes.

RF - But it says I have to say, "Showrunner Alex Gansa actually called me and said, ‘Listen, thanks for all your hard work and that’s the end of Quinn’." 

AG - Well?

RF - But that didn't happen, did it?

AG - For Christ sake! Just say it, OK?

RF - But it's not true. And it says you are going to say "We probably thought he was going to die in the gas chamber." Well, remember we knew all along I wasn't gonna die? You promised me the PTSD/hobo story in season six if I spent all that time flat on my back in a coma at the end of last season. Remember? And Qasim was in it from the beginning, you cast Aliriza really early. I mean it would be really stupid to think you are making the plot up as we go along, that you don't have the character arcs firmed up before we start to shoot, wouldn't it? Kind of makes you look unprofessional. And as for the ending you are describing, how did the sun come to shine on Quinn's face when Carrie shut the blinds?

FMA - Fucking ambiguous that was!

AG - Of course I remember. But this is showbiz. We don't have to let the truth get in the way of the story we want to tell. If anybody really analyses what I say they'll see I contradict myself even in the same sentence. It doesn't matter, these journalists don't care. They just want a headline to sell and we just want them to attract viewers for us. That's how it fucking works! That’s the goddamn PR game.

RF - Oh. I see, I think.

FMA - Suck it up, Rupes. If you want to be a success in this business you have to play by their rules. Or you might end up like Pantykins, perish the thought!

RF - But people do analyse what you say Mr Gansa. My friends at WTHomeland will see.... 

AG - Stop right there! Don't mention their name in my presence! I'll see you at the interview tomorrow. And you better get it word perfect or they’ll be no Colbert for you. And you’ll find yourself in a coma for the rest of this fucking season too!

(AG storms out.)

(FMA puts his arm around RF's shoulder.)

FMA - Let's go get a donut and a nice cup of tea. You can practise those lines with me. (Chuckles.) That, my boy, is show business!


	11. Premiere Party Nerds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ever wonder what was going on last night at the Premiere party? Wonder no more......

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Bwg whose suggestions got my muse percolating again and are mostly included below.....

AG - Alex Gansa  
LLG - Lesli Linka Glatter  
CD - Claire Danes  
RF - Rupert Friend  
FMA -F Murray Abraham  
MP - Mandy Patinkin  
MS - Maury Sterling  
MK - McKenna Keane  
CK - Claire Keane

 

Homeland Season Sex, Premiere Party, Saturday 14 January 2017 in a hotel somewhere in NYC

 

LLG: OK guys. Let's settle down a bit. I think the great Mr Gansa, our blessed leader, wants to say a few words.

AG: (Clears threat) Thank you, Lesli. I just wanted to say before we all get too carried away with the party....

CD: God, we are a great bunch, aren't we? 

FMA: Somebody's started early haven't they, slurring reminiscences already? We normally wait until after the show for that.

CD: So dedicated and yet we all get on so well. Remember when I asked you, Rupes, if you were on rumspringa because you just got a phone and were wearing suspenders that any Amish would have been proud of? Oh, that was hilarious. And last year's wrap party? Rupes you were paralytic by the end.

MS: I heard they found you in a dumpster round back of the Reichstag building?

FMA: That's right; real life imitating art!

RF: I think it was a delayed bad reaction, to the sarin gas, I mean.

FMA: Or the cottage cheese.

LLG: Or it could have been those shots you and Nina were downing?

CD: That's right! She challenged you. Last man or woman standing! She was incredible.

RF: She has an iron constitution, I'm sure.

FMA: Fair to say she drank you under the table, through the door and out on to the street into a snow drift as I recall.

MS: Or more precisely into a dumpster!

RF: It was a cold place to wake up, for sure.

CD: (Shakes her head) Never challenge a German woman to a Schnapps battle. They are super human.

FMA: Bet you're relieved she couldn't make it this time, Rupes. To satisfy our male pride you would have had to challenge her to a re-match.

RF: Christ, I don't think my liver has recovered yet!

MS: Maybe you should just stick to hot chocolate, tonight, Rupes.

AG: OK, OK. It was a great party as I recall but let's move on, people. They said we couldn't do it, and especially not in New York but......

(Door bangs open. MP looking flushed in a full dinner suit rushes in)

MP: Am I late?

FMA: Not late enough.... the late Mandy Pantykins has a somewhat elegant sound to it, unlike the living version.

LLG: No, the party's just getting started. 

MP: I meant for my PR appearances. I hear we got slots on Colbert and Fallon and CBS Morning show. Reporting for duty, Alex, where do you want me?

(Everyone exchanges uncomfortable looks.)

FMA: For Christ sake man, keep up!

AG: Well, thanks Mandy but the appearances were yesterday. Claire and Rupes covered them.

MP: (Crestfallen) So you didn't need me.

AG: No.

LLG: Mandy, don't worry. (Passes him a whisky which he downs in one) We're saving you for the finale PR stuff, that's far more important.

FMA: Are we sure he'll still be alive by then?

MS: Who Saul or Mandy?

FMA: Hopefully both.

AG: Anyway, getting back to.........

CD: I'm sorry.

AG: What for?

CD: I fucked up. It was too early in the morning. I got flustered. Your script said they would ask if Quinn was still alive, I was ready for that one, but the love question just came out of the blue. I wasn't expecting it....

LLG: You did fine, Claire.

CD: I just reverted back to the old stuff, you know 'never gonna be romantic', 'too alike.' It just came out of my mouth.

AG: No worries, Claire. Remember slow burn!

RF: It did sort of send the fandom into a bit of quandary, again.

AG: A quandary?

RF: Well, a meltdown, actually.

AG: And how would you know that?

RF: Well, I know you said I shouldn't but they got this really cool new forum.

AG: Who?

RF: (Takes out his phone, shows it to AG). WTHomeland ladies, of course. I've been on this all day, really great topics. Almost two hundred members already. I think I might join. Look....

MS: Hey, I was on there too. It's great, isn't it? They do need to put Max in the character section though.

AG: (Pushes RP and phone away.) No, not again. 

RF: But it's really great. They must have put so much time and effort into this and.....

AG: I thought I made myself clear last time.

LLG: Not now, Rupes. It's OK, Alex, here have a drink, (Gives him a whisky). Sit down. Take a deep breath.

FMA: Oh Lord. Watch out, the gruesome twosome is coming!

(CK and MK arrive)

CK: Hey Wrinklees, what gives?

MK: Anybody need any work done?

LLG: Thank you girls but everything is fine.

CD: I think you two have done quite enough. Poor Mandy in the lake, giving Rupes the wrong shampoo so that when he finally did get to wash his hair it turned blue and he had to get a wig fitted....

RF: And it fucking itches like hell.

MK: (Giggles and rolls her eyes.) Hey sis, that itching powder seems to work after all.

CK: Good to know for future assignments

MS: Is that why you've gone back to blue tonight, Rupes? I thought it was some sort of punk fashion statement.

CD: And pinching F's pants so he had to go home on the F train in a very long coat.

FMA: Lucky I am a well-known, renowned actor or those cops would have taken me in for lewd behaviour. Lord it was cold too!

MP: Renowned actor? I just expect they couldn't see what it was you were flashing! Cold, indeed.

FMA: Oh my god, it's conscious! Crawl back into your whisky bottle and pills, old man!

MS: Not to mention the chin wobbling in every scene.

CD: What chin wobbling? What is that anyway?

CK: (Smiles evilly) We have offered to negotiate a price for a prank-free zone. You Wrinklees just need to cough up.

MK: And we don't mean in cookies!

MS: Christ, we have created a monster.

AG: Enough already! Let's get back to........

RF: Anyway, how did I do, Mr Gansa?

AG: What? Where?

RF: On Colbert.

CD: Too much talking about your wife. Not cool.

RF: But I love her......

AG: You didn't stick strictly to the script.

RF: When? 

AG: Rupert, if we've told you once, we've told you one hundred times, it's not dishevelled Quinn... It's HOBO Quinn.

RF: That's it? That's what I did wrong?

MS: That is a tad pedantic, Alex.

AG: All that crap about being the same but different.... just too fucking ambiguous and confusing. You are supposed to be attracting more viewers not pissing off the ones we've got. And you gave far too much away. They will know you will be back Quinning by episode four now.

RF: But that was in the script you gave me.

AG: Two words: loose cannon!

MS: WTHomeland ladies seem to like it.

RF: I know.

MS: They are gonna go wild for the upcoming Quarrie foreplay.

RF: Aren't they just. 

MS: Ground swell that Quinn needs a haircut though.

RF: You are telling me, it was irritating me even before it was blue!

AG: That's enough! I don't want to hear any more about what those wailing banshees want! This is prestigious television not one of those awful fanfics they write.

MS: And what would you know about them, Alex? You haven't been reading them, have you? I mean the hot chocolate and cookie scene, I'm sure it's in one of their fics.

AG: Of course, I damn well haven't!

FMA: Fan fic? Who in his right mind would read that?

RF: Jesus, even I wouldn't stoop that low.

MS: Nor me.

LLG: Calm down, Alex or you'll need to take one of your pills. Maury quit it!

FMA: Yes, stop teasing, Maury or Max will meet a nasty end, I'm sure!

LLG: OK everybody, let's just concentrate on the party, should we? We got this far and that's a fucking miracle! Let's not blow it now! Let's go watch the episode...

AG: Yes exactly, I completely forgot about that. Thanks for getting us back on track, Lesli.

LLG: That's what directors do, Alex.

AG: Although (Glares at RF) some of you have publicly declared you don't even watch it, you are all gonna watch it tonight!

CD: Can't wait. Want to see how good I look. Was that blue scarf too much?

LLG: You looked great, Claire, as ever. Must go do my lippy……

(Everyone except FMA and RF grab more alcohol and move towards the screening room).

RF: Not coming, F?

FMA: (Furtively looking at his phone). Oh, I'll be there in a minute, q_19 had just posted an update on AO3 of her latest and I'm kind of hooked on where this one's going.

RF: Shit, has she really? I love the way she writes me…. I mean Quinn. Let me see, its way better than the crap that comes out of our Writers' Room.


	12. Finally Sex Nerds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The day has finally arrived.....that scene is shot!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Penultimate episode people, enjoy......

AG - Alex Gansa  
LLG - Lesli Linka Glatter  
CD - Claire Danes  
RF - Rupert Friend  
FMA -F Murray Abraham  
MP - Mandy Patinkin

 

 

LLG – And…… CUT! That's a wrap. Wow!

CD - (Pulling down her top) I can't believe we've finally done it. 

LLG - That was the hottest scene I have ever directed. I mean...

FMA - Hot as fuck. Impressive young Rupert.

RF - Thanks.

FMA - Emmy and Golden Globe performance if I'm not very much mistaken.

CD - What about me?

LLG- You were wonderful Claire. Now, Rupert go and put some clothes on please. Or we are all going to overheat.

CD – God, I’m tired. I can’t believe we finally did it. Quarrie is real! Whoop, whoop!

RF – You were fabulous, Claire.

CD – You weren’t too bad yourself.

(AG rushes in)

AG - Damn traffic. Did I miss it?

FMA - 'Fraid so. You are going have to wait for it to air! Or will it get cut?

LLG – I wanted to talk to you anyway, Alex. If I didn’t know better, I’d think you were avoiding me.

AG – Who me?

LLG – You know they are calling it Cookiegate?

AG – Ermmmm….

LLG – Where was it, Alex?

AG – Well, I made an executive decision.

LLG – You sure did. And you upset a lot of people! I’ve had the twin’s mom on the phone, social media have gone crazy! Why the fuck did PR release the stills? You knew we’d reshot. Rupert’s hair is all over the place, greasy, clean and then greasy again! People observe these things. It’s all in the precision of the plot.

FMA – Really you two, not in front of the children!

RF – What happened?

CD – You don’t know? Oh, of course not you don’t watch do you? They cut the cookie scene.

RF – What?! I want through hell to get that cookie of that little….

LLG – We all suffer for our art, Rupert. You haven’t explained it yet, Alex.

AG – We are not a fucking domestic soap! We are ‘edge of the pants’, prestigious espionage, spy shit. Cookies do not fit.

FMA – Ha! Trash!

LLG – It’s always Quinn you cut out, isn’t it? Are you jealous of him?

AG – Who me? Of course not.

LLG – Are you sure?

AG – He’s not the star of the show.

(LLG’s phone rings)

LLG – Fuck, it’s the twin’s mom again. What do I tell her?

AG – Alternate scene at breakfast table in 6.04.

LLG – Yes, but that’s the other twin! Their mom will say we are ruining the other’s career!

AG – Too many twins! I can’t tell them apart, how can we ruin one and not the other?

(LLG moves away to answer the phone.)

AG – Good work in last week’s episode Rupert. Great cottage cheese game again.

RF – You think? I thought it was too runny.

CD – I thought you didn’t watch?

AG - No, it was great.

RF – Thanks. Ah, did you get my text, Mr Gansa?

AG – Yes, I did and I don't believe it!

RF - It's true.

AG - I need proof.

RF - Well they're not gonna sign it in blood if that's what you're looking for.

AG - Shame!

(LLG returning) 

LLG- What?

AG - His girlfriends have given up.

LLG- Girlfriends? Given up what?

RF - WTHomeland ladies are not spoiler hunting anymore.

LLG - Really? Oh, they were great fun.

CD - Why not?

RF - They say they want to respect the integrity of the show.

FMA - Integrity my ass, its trash!

AG - A bit fucking late for that!

RF - That major spoiler they found, I think it's put them off a bit.

AG - Well it would, wouldn't it? Anyway, before you put your clothes back on I want to congratulate you.

RF - Who me, again?

AG - Your performance on 6.03 was sublime. Those screams were ridiculously good. Your nonverbal noise aligned to the cottage cheese game has never been better!

RF - Thanks

AG - If you keep it up I may even let you live tweet an episode.

RF - This week, maybe?

FMA - We're not on this week.

RF - We're not?

FMA - Super Bowl.

RF - What?

AG - Football.

RF - We get pulled for football? This is a strange country, I don't think they'd blow us out in England, not for Oxford United any way, even though they are on a great FA Cup run just now. Do they really play football at nine o'clock on a Sunday? Weird!

AG - Oxford.... United.... FA Cup…. I recognise the words but they make no sense.

RF - You said football.

CD - Enough already! 

AG – By the way, I followed the twitter stuff you and Maury did last week, Rupert.

RF – Oh. It was just a bit of fun.

AG – It was good.

RF – It was?

AG – Enjoyed it. You should do more.

RF – But I thought….

(MP rushes in unzipping his trousers.)

MP – Where’s my sex scene then?

FMA – Jesus, what a thought. It’s over old man, already. You came too late, as ever! Put it away!

AG - How did the scene go?

LLG - Hottest ever. Well worth the wait. I challenge any woman to watch it and not have her ovaries explode!

AG – So why are you here, F?

FMA – I’ve seen them all, Olivier, Brando, Hudson. I thought Rupes might need a little coaching. Any advice an old actor can pass on but you know he was so hot, nailed it all on his own. You don’t need explosives to blow off a garage door when Quinn’s around!

AG – Olivier, you say?

FMA – Saw his Romeo at the Albery…. brilliant but I have to say Rupes runs him close.

AG – Olivier?! Yes, that’s the sort of prestige we are going for.

FMA – Nah, he was trash too!

AG - Funny. What are all these people doing here? I thought I ordered a closed set for this scene?

LLG - You did. It is.

AG - Then why are there so many faces I don't recognise and so many women here?

LLG – Well, to maintain secrecy for this shoot, we went to that agency that Maury recommended, and they flew this lot in specially from around the globe. Best in the business we were assured and they certainly know their stuff. 

AG - But they need to keep this secret. I mean no one must know that the sex has happened.... we must keep the illusion of slow burn!

LLG - Well there's more chance they will keep the secret rather than the normal crew. We've had so many breaches this season, it's like somebody has been revealing stuff.

AG – Yes, it is, Rupert!

RF – Christ, not that again.

LLG - Moving on, let me introduce them all to you.

AG – OK.

LLG - There's Karen and Rita on camera, Elina on lights and Ellie on sound. Niloofar did makeup and hair, Ella wardrobe, Viv is script editor and Clare, I'm not sure what she did but I'm sure it was important. And over there we have Andrea, Ange and Jacquie all the way from Australia.

AG - Well, thank you all so very much ladies. After all the slow burn, it's a relief to finally get this scene in the can.

(AG’s phone rings)

AG – Shit, Lewis must have got my new number. (He moves away answering phone) Hello Damien, no……

LLG – Well. Let’s go get rid of some of my cookiegate anger and blow the garage doors off then.

(LLG, CD move away)

FMA – Fancy some tea and donuts, Rupes, you must be exhausted after that.

RF – Yes, let me put some clothes on first.

FMA – Must you?

RF – Yes.

(They move away and then RF turns back to the crew and winks).

RF – Oh thank you so much ladies, it was a pleasure to perform for you.

ALL WTHOMELAND LADIES + 2 (Together) - No the pleasure was all ours, Romeo!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any final requests for inclusion before I wrap this up with a bonus finale? Let me know.....


	13. EMMY Nerds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here it is the season finale!!!!

AG - Alex Gansa  
LLG - Lesli Linka Glatter  
CD - Claire Danes  
RF - Rupert Friend  
FMA - F Murray Abraham  
MP - Mandy Patinkin  
MS - Maury Sterling  
NH - Nina Hoss  
TL - Tracy Letts

 

Guest Stars  
HD - Hugh Dancy  
JC - James Corden  
EB - Emily Blunt  
DL - Damien Lewis  
JV - Jon Voight

 

Special Guest Star  
SM -@ Sensemisapplied

 

Sunday 17 September 2017  
EMMY Award Ceremony

On the red carpet 

 

SM - And here we are on the red carpet. Maybe I can get a few words with Claire Danes. Doesn't she look just beautiful in that lovely blue pant suit! Ms Danes how are you feeling?

CD - Absolutely gutted.

SM - Gutted, why?

CD - He should be up for fucking Best Supporting Actor not Best Actor. I'm the fucking protagonist!

SM - Apologies for the ripe language viewers! Excuse me for asking but you are slurring your words and swaying. Have you been partying already, Ms Danes?

CD - Drunk? I haven't touched a drop for over two fucking years.

(HD steps in)

HD - She's just tired and emotional, it's been a long slow burn. Thank you. We need to get in.

SM - Thank you Mr Dancy I hope she feels better soon. And here comes the man of the hour, Rupert Friend with his beautiful date for the evening.....er..... Maury Sterling? Hi guys!

RF - (Still speaking to the last interviewer.) Oh, anything in cans I'm sure. (MS pulls him forward.)

MS - Hey, look who we got here! A big shot, hard hitting TV journo! How's it going, Viv?

SM - Great, thanks to you two. But less about me and my increasingly successful career, you guys are the men of the hour. What's it feel like to be up for every category you possibly could be?

RF - Feels great but I'm sure there are others more worthy than us.

MS - Bull shit! Stop being such a modest Brit, Rupes! Enjoy this, you deserve it!

SM - So Season Sex was certainly an overwhelming success. Why do you think that is?

RF - Prescience, prestige, edge of the pants spy shit.

MS - Oh quit the Gansa script, Rupes. We know the truth; it was the romance definitely. We took down all those stupid critics that said that spying and romantic relationships don't mix, that it was too High School and not needed. The trash, man, is where it's always at. Always!

SM - What about that shirt, Rupert. I've never seen so many flowers under a tux!

RF - You like it?

SM - It certainly stands out! And where is your beautiful wife, Aimee, tonight?

RF - She really wanted to come but she's still being inducted in the National Women's Hall of Fame. It's a long process apparently.

MS - I'm a substitute wifey! (Bats his eyelids!) I'm doing good, right?

SM - Right. Enjoy your night, guys! And good luck!

MS - Who needs luck when you've got talent?

(RF and MS move away)

SM - Yikes, I can see the Billions cast are arriving. I got to leave! This is @Sensemisapplied reporting for Fanatic TV at the 2017 Emmys. Bye for now.

 

In the Auditorium

MS - Did you see I made the top 10 sexiest blokes list in the What Hair magazine poll? Everywhere I go there are woman swooning at me, literally falling at my feet.

RF - Wow, that's great Maury.

MS - I think you would have been in the poll too but I guess your greasy hobo hair look swung it! (Takes a bite of his sandwich) Is Aimee really still being inducted?

RF - No. The Showtime corporate clairvoyant foresaw a disturbance here tonight and the only thing that Mr Gansa and the Showtime executives could come up with was that the WtHomeland ladies would try and go after Aimee in a fit of feminine jealousy.

MS - But that's ridiculous! They're not those sort of ladies, at all.

RF - I know. I told them that but Mr Gansa knows best. Aimee is not happy she got a brand new Alexander McQueen dress especially.

MS - How does she manage that even, he's been dead for seven years?

RF - Oh, she's got a whole stock of them for special occasions. She collected them like crazy when she worked with him.

MS - Really, is that even legal? Another cottage cheese sandwich, my lovely date.

RF - I think I'll pass.

AG - Quit the bromance stuff, boys.

(From the stage)

JC - I am honoured to be tonight's Master of Ceremonies, stepping in at short notice after Mr Colbert had to go into hiding following comments he made about the President. He was misquoted I'm sure. Anyway, it gives me great pleasure to introduce Emily Blunt to present the Best Actor Award.

LLG - Shush! Best actor award is next.

EB - It's a great honour to be here tonight. And the nominations for Best Actor in a TV Drama series are Damien Lewis for Billions......

CD - Fuck, not him as well. Another groping man who thought he was the fucking star and then I had to gush and pretend he was wonderful. Pfft, waste of space!

EB - ...... Liev Schreiber for Ray Donovan, Dominic West for The Affair, and Rupert Friend for Homeland.

MS - Whoohoo! Wait, why are they all Showtime?

AG - Just a happy coincidence I'm sure. No conspiracy here at all. No money has changed hands.....

CD - He should be up for Best Supporting Actor not Best Actor, I'm the protagonist! And I lost to fucking Viola Davis again!

HD - You said already, darling. Let's cheer on a colleague, shall we?

CD - I suppose. Hugh, are you looking at Emily Blunt's boobs?

HD - No. How could I be, we're too far away!

RF - They are very nice, though, speaking purely from experience.

CD - You copped a feel of her as well?

EB - And the winner is....

AG - Wait for it.

EB - My good friend, my husband even..... Albert of Saxe Coburg and Gotha.

AG - Huh? He wasn't even nominated!

EB - (Giggles) Silly me, I mean Rupert Friend!

MS - Whoop whoop!

RF - Oh. My. God!

AG - Remember my scripted acceptance speech, Rupert!

CD - Fucking typical! Who is the star of the show anyway?

MS - Go on Rupes. Go get it, man.

JV - That's ridiculous....he's not even American. American Emmys for American actors, let's make America great again.

(RF stands up and begins to make his way modestly to the stage. He gets there and takes the statuette from a beaming EB when a shout goes up.)

DL - Wait a minute! I demand a recount, that Emmy is mine! Showtime promised me!

RF - No, it's not. You are delusional as always.

DL - You're not having it!

(DL rushes to the stage and throws himself at RF in a rugby tackle and they both fall to the ground)

JV - Yes, give it to Lewis. Anyone is better than a fucking Limey. Coming here stealing honest American actors' jobs.

JC - But he's a Brit too!

(RF and DL manage to climb to their feet still struggling over the statuette. DL pulls RF's hair)

DL - Fucking girly locks are just asking for it!

RF - Right, that's it! You fucking private school boy!

DL - Come get me, Rupert, lol!!

(The struggle continues as AG, LLG, MP and FMA rush to the stage to help out.)

JV - Fuck, they might as well give it to you Corden, then!

JC - But I'm a Brit too!

EB - And me!

JV - They're fucking everywhere! (Pulls out his phone drunkenly) I need to talk to the Donald about a travel ban for fucking Brits!

(DL and RF still grapple as others try to pull them apart.)

RF - Fuck this, you ginger, self-centred moron! (He lets go of the Emmy and lands a perfect punch to DL's jaw, poleaxing the red headed one. DL falls backwards but has a soft landing as MP blocks his fall.)

MP - Arrgggghh! (Goes down like a dying swan.)

FMA- Nooooooooo!

(RF stands back, straightens his floral shirt and hair. Takes a deep breath and rubs his knuckles. He picks up the fallen statuette and moves to the microphone) 

RF - Thanks.

(RF walks away as FMA starts to wail.)

FMA - Oh my Darling, what have they done to you?

(FMA gathers MP in his arms and gives him a deliciously dramatic kiss of life.)

(MS starts to applaud.)

MS - Great speech!

(The auditorium dissolves into raucous applause.)

 

At the After Party

 

(LLG and RF share a quiet drink. His knuckles are wrapped in ice.)

LLG - Well that was memorable.

RF - I don't know what came over me.

LLG - I think the term that best describes your behaviour is Quinning!

RF - He is all right isn't he? Damien, I mean.

LLG - You knocked him right off of his ego! And he had a long way to fall. Lucky Mandy was there.

(They both turn to regard MP, head wrapped in a huge bandage being fussed over by FMA.)

FMA - Oh Lord, I really thought I had lost you. I am so sorry I said all those awful things about you. They weren't true. None of them. I was just jealous of your success, of your talent, of everything that makes you, you. I love you to the heart of my bottom and always will.

MP - More whisky now.

(LLG takes a swig of the punch.)

LLG - Christ, that's strong.

RF - Beware, those malevolent twins were seen around the punch bowl earlier. I expect there's enough alcohol in there to rot your liver.

LLG - Those girls are wild, talented but wild. (LLG re-applies her lippy expertly.) What happened to your date?

RF - Maury? I think Nina challenged him to a drinking contest. We better call a paramedic cos he is gonna need his stomach pumped. Last I saw he was crawling under that table over there.

(They turn to look. A pair of feet are sticking out from under a table. Sitting beside them, looking slightly less cool and controlled than normal and sliding slowly to the floor NH downs another schnapps.)

NH - Prost!

LLG - Cheers Nina! I think Claire was quite philosophical in the end, when Hugh finally got her into that cab.

RF - You think? I heard her having a right go at Mr Gansa, about stupid publicity scripts, having had to poo-poo the Quarrie romance and the fact that she is the protagonist. Oh and the goddamn pant suits.

LLG - She'll be back. She's a trooper, you can't keep her down. So what happens now with you, Rupes?

RF - What do you mean?

LLG - You won the fucking EMMY, man! All these amazing offers are gonna start rolling in for you. Alex, is really worried he's gonna loose you and is so sorry that he ignored your sheer brilliance for so long.

(They turn to look at AG, alone on the dance floor, the Best Drama series EMMY clutched lovingly to his chest as he drunkenly at the top of his voice joins in with the song the DJ is playing.)

AG - Yes, there were times, I'm sure you knew  
When I bit off more than I could chew  
But through it all, when there was doubt  
I ate it up and spit it out  
I faced it all and I stood tall and did it my way  
To think I did all that  
And may I say, not in a shy way  
Oh, no, oh, no, not me, I did it my way  
I DID IT MY WAY,

 

RF - (Chuckles) Mr Alex fucking Gansa! (Shakes head) Tell him not to worry.

LLG - You'll be back next year? After the Anthony Hopkins film?

RF - As long as we can have a completely new PR strategy that includes those WTHomeland ladies being in charge of all social media output.

LLG - I should be able to swing that while Alex is so..... erm..... buoyant with success and whisky.

RF - Good, then I wouldn't miss next season for all the cottage cheese in the world.

(They clink glasses in a toast, just as TL rushes into the room.)

TL - Hey guys, sorry I'm late. What the fucking fuck, where is everybody? I brought lasagna.

LLG - Next season Tracy, next season........

 

The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks for all your suggestions. A particular shout for Bwg and HML without whose brilliant ideas this chapter would not have existed.
> 
> Gonna lay down in a darkened room and percolate the next one; Just when you thought it was safe to open the story book, I feel a fairy tale coming on......


End file.
